I cannot count how many times I have felt lost in this world. It has happened more times than it should, in places where it shouldn't, and in ways that made me feel like I am just another statistic in a gigantic universe. I have let myself believe that God is the stabbing pain in my neck. That He's my lower back pain that just won't go away, and He's the reason tears keep rolling down my face. But even through my arrogant and pain-filled prayers, He touched my soul and whispered, 'You're not lost, you're here. I am here.'
2020 was a hard year for everyone, and in the midst of all that chaos, I lost sight of God. Then, I found Him again because He found me. I lost one of my best friends, and my life was turned upside down. I didn't know what to do. I spent all of my time on the floor, begging God to come take away my pain or make me forget. Then, I got a concussion and forgot for 10 hours. That's when I realized that forgetting was way worse than remembering everything. Then, I heard Him so clearly when I looked into the mirror one sadder evening. 'If all you see is pain, don't you lose sight of me?' Those words changed my life.
'If all you see is pain, don't you lose sight of me?'
I started to look for Him in all the prayers I never prayed before. But I didn't have to look far, cause He was always there. I looked at my tear-streaked face in the mirror with a broken spirit, and I felt God whisper, 'It breaks my heart too when you cry,' I know it seems crazy, and I also felt like I was losing my mind, but there's no other explanation for the peace I felt after banging on His doors, demanding, crying, and begging for cures, healing, and answers for over a thousand unanswered prayer requests.
Sometimes, I'm God's downstairs annoying neighbor that bangs up on His floor, my roof, and shouts at Him like I'm in charge and He's not doing what I want Him to. Or sometimes I yell at him like He's my equal and we both pay rent in this city. Sometimes I'm His child, and I sulk at His door for hours until He opens the door, and lets me sit on His lap, and wipes away my tears. Or sometimes I'm His captain, and I choose to steer our boat then I blame Him when it crashes. Sometimes, I feel like we are both sailing, and I am watching Him sleep, and somehow He's watching me die slowly. Sometimes, I feel like I'm finally in heaven and all of these problems magically disappear, and I'm dancing in open skies with God.
I've wished my life away, and I've wondered what it would be like if I died. But he makes me stay even when I make the point that the reason I wanna leave earth is to be with Him for the rest of my life. He never budges to my demands. "I have a purpose for your life. We are not yet done with our work on earth." He whispers again. He knows I find it hard to stay, to figure it out, and to stay hopeful sometimes but He offers continuous sweet reminders, "I am here, and I am not going anywhere."
"I have a purpose for your life. We are not yet done with our work on earth."
When I felt like the world was crumbling beneath me, He was on my bedroom floor, and then I found Him because He was there. I went looking for Him, and He was right there. I found Him in the sunset, in my evening walks, in my family's and friends' laughter, and then I found joy. I found Him in prayers I never prayed for. It wasn't until much later that I realized that He was also on my bedroom floor, and now I know that. I know He was. I found Him, because He found me. I guess all I’m trying to say is that He was always there, I just never saw Him. He never changed, or left me, I just never looked in His direction.
He was always there, I just never saw Him. He never changed, or left me, I just never looked in His direction.
God was always on my bedroom floor, and when I lay there with all the sadness my human soul carried, He was there crying, holding and caring for me. God is everywhere. God is on my bedroom floor.
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