I cannot count how many times I have felt lost in this world. It has happened more times than it should, in places where it shouldn't, and in ways that made me feel like I am just another statistic in a gigantic universe. I have let myself believe that God is the stabbing pain in my neck, He's my lower back pain that just won't go away, and He's the reason tears keep rolling down my face. But even through my arrogant and pain-filled prayers, He touched my soul and whispered, 'You're not lost, you're here. I am here.'
2020 was a hard year for everyone, and in the midst of all that chaos, I lost sight of God. Then, I found Him again because He found me. I lost one of my best friends, and my life was turned upside down. I didn't know what to do. I spent all of my time on the floor, begging God to come take away my pain or make me forget. Then, I got a concussion and forgot for 10 hours. That's when I realized that forgetting was way worse than remembering. Then, I heard Him so clearly when I looked into the mirror one sadder evening. 'If all you see is pain, don't you lose sight of me?' His breath changed my life.
I started to look for Him in all the prayers I never prayed before. If an explanation helps, He would have given me one. But I know that when I looked at my tear-streaked face in the mirror and my broken spirit, I felt God say to me, 'I'm here, and I'm sad too.' I know it seems crazy, and I also felt like I was losing my mind, but there's no other explanation for the peace I felt after banging on His doors, demanding, crying, and begging for cures, healing, and answers for over a thousand unanswered prayer requests.
Sometimes, I'm God's downstairs annoying neighbor that bangs up on His floor, my roof, and shouts at Him like I'm in charge and He's not doing what I want Him to. Or as if He's my equal and we both pay rent in this city. Sometimes I'm His child, and I sulk at His door for hours until He opens the door, lets me sit on His lap, and wipes away my tears. Sometimes I'm His captain, and I want to steer our boat and have Him call me captain. Then, I blame Him when my boat crashes. Sometimes, I feel like we are both sailing, and I am watching Him sleep, and somehow He's watching me die slowly. Sometimes, I feel like I'm finally in heaven and all of these problems magically disappear, and I'm dancing in open skies with God.
I've wished my life away, and I've wondered what it would be like if I died. It would be peaceful, I think, and I've made arrangements with God about how it should happen and when. I've enjoyed so many years of my life, and I've prayed to God to give me more of those every day. I've found God in so many places in my life, but I think it's because He found me first.
When I felt like the world was crumbling beneath me, He was on my bedroom floor, and then I found Him because He was there. I went looking for Him, and He was right there. I found Him in the sunset, in my evening walks, in my family's and friends' laughter, and then I found joy. I found Him in prayers I never prayed for. It wasn't until much later that I realized that He was also on my bedroom floor, and now I know that. I know He was. I found Him, because He found me. I guess all I’m trying to say is that He was always there, I just never saw Him. He never changed, or left me, I just never looked in His direction. God was always on my bedroom floor, and when I lay there with all the sadness my human soul carried, He was there crying, holding and caring for me. God is everywhere. God is on my bedroom floor.
inspired by Nightbirdie. <3 RIP
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