Friends,
It been a weird year, but also, I am at peace with how it has turned out so far. Life really comes to get you, and you can choose to learn how to float or be gotten, I am realizing. I was in a serious relationship and he was ready to propose this year. There was always a nagging feeling in the back of my head for about 6 months, but I didn't know what it was. I was frustrated with the relationship and with him but I couldn't point out what exactly it was. But sometime last year, in November, I sat down with my roommate and I was laying on the bathroom floor and she told me that no one should feel this way about someone they think they want to marry. No one should have to feel like if he proposes and I marry him, I will be just okay, not great, just okay. She said, I deserve better than just okay and I need to start thinking seriously about why I am getting so hesitant about the relationship being serious.
I am not going to spill too much on this entry, but at the end of the day, I had to look at what I had, and what I wanted and it just wasn't him. No matter how nice I thought he was. No matter how much he promised he could change. He was good, but he wasn't what I wanted. I think that is what made me stay, but I recognized my thoughts, and dreams for my future marriage and the fact that he wasn't them, and I had to choose myself and walk away.
It didn't hurt, it was weird. I just felt free. I did cry twice, on the day of and next day for like 5 minutes cause you gotta mourn, you know? But I haven't looked back ever since, and I never miss him, or wish for him to come back. I just know he is gone, and God, I am better off for it.
My friends keep asking me what I have learnt, and the lessons are still so unclear but there's one I know for sure:
If he isn't what you want at the beginning, he isn't going to be it along the journey, and you shouldn't stay for the potential, because essentially you are wasting your time. You can try and fit the wrong puzzle piece in your picture but the picture will never be complete and the space for the perfect puzzle piece essentially gets taken away, when there is someone out there, who's your perfect fit. Love calls for patience, love is patience. I know I am not, but i am learning to.
I feel like I wasted my time being in the relationship - there is regret on my end, lol. I keep wondering was I with him too long that I missed other chances to meet better people - but I can't think like that because good things meant for you will not pass you by.
Good things meant for me will not pass me by, I have to believe that. The good thing is every time you let go of something, you gain so many things too. So, when you walk away from something, you are walking into something greater, something better for you. Look for that silver lining.
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