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Kimanzi

entry 002 - i chose loneliness and i found freedom.

Updated: Jun 3


I sat on the bathroom floor with my roommate. I had just come from dinner and there was a war in my mind. I tried to hide it from her, but I sadly wear my emotions on my face, and she knew, and I couldn't hide it. I was in a relationship, but he knew I was going to grab dinner with a boy I had dated in the past, let's call him Levi. My boyfriend, (let's call him Jack) said he had no issue with it, and that he "trusted me" so I went. I forgot to ask myself if I trusted myself around Levi, but a part of me knew that even if I asked myself that question - I was too curious anyway, so I would have still gone and that's why three hours later I was on the bathroom floor with my roommate knowing I messed up.


My roommate, let's call her Kris, is kind, and has a good head on her shoulder. She knew what I was up to that night and had warned me about the door I was about to walk through, and I accepted that there might be consequences, but I glossed over her warnings, and I went to dinner with Levi.


Levi and I have been in and out of each other's lives for three years. I try to let him go, and he won't let me. He tries to let me go, and I remind him that I exist, and he comes back. It our never ending cycle of disaster. We had gone over a year and half without contact. I took him off my snapchat one angry night and he took that as a sign to let me go, and we did go for a while, but we were back at it and one night with him changed the entire trajectory of my longest relationship ever (Jack and I had been dating for about 11 months and had talked about getting married in the next year.)


Kris let me skim over how the night went because she knew that I would not willingly offer the truth, but I also knew she would not let me not say it, so I braced myself. I took a deep breathe before sinking to the floor of our bathroom, and for a couple of seconds I looked up at her. She could tell I was distraught, and full of fear and remorse, but there was also a hint of joy, and happiness that I was trying to mask, so she smiled sadly at me, and sunk to the floor on the opposite side, and I spill it all.


I talk about the leap my heart took when I saw his face in the car. The smile I couldn't hide when he hugged me and held me longer than he had to. The smile he couldn't hide when I smiled at him. The little glances my way as we caught up, and the long stare he gave me when he wasn't driving. I talk about how it all drives me crazy, but in a good way, and Kris just shakes her head.


We didn't go anywhere fancy; we went to a cool lounge bar in Grand Rapids, but any place with him, is like the border to heaven, and I acknowledge that to Kris with a strikingly wicked smile on my face. All we did was talk, but that's all it took. He only had to sit across me at the table, he only had to smile, he only had to be interested and my entire world was flipped upside. There were butterflies when he cared, and when he was trying to impress me. There were stars every time he smiled because I smiled, and there was warmth when he apologized for the role he played in our past years. I can't tell you what we talked about, but it was good, and I wanted to do it again; and that was the problem.


I couldn't lie to myself or Kris, that I wanted to see him again as a friend, because I didn't. I couldn't lie to myself that this was pure platonic when everything he did made me forget everything I was thinking about. There was a truth Kris had to remind me of, because it seemed lost on me.


"You have a boyfriend." She states, and I nod, because it is true, but it was also true that I felt this strongly about Levi.


"I won't tell you what to do, but I want to help you think through this, if that's fine," She offers, and I am glad she does, because even though the dinner with Levi changed the trajectory of my life, this conversation is what pushed me.


"You have never talked about Jack, the way you have talked Levi today." She starts, and I want to argue but she won't let me get a word in before she is done.


"It might be excitement, but you've never come back home with this much happiness in the past year in your relationship. You were happy, and you are but you've never been this happy. Who would you feel happiest with, if they proposed to you today?" She asks, and I smile cause it doesn't take me a second.


"Levi, definitely," I answer in a heartbeat, and then I think about it for a moment.

"But not because I love him or anything but because you know, it is finally happening, type of thing? With Jack, it feels like a sure thing, but with Levi, it will be a surprise if it happens, so I think that will be more exciting."


She asked me another question: How would I feel if I was to spend the rest of my days with either one, raise kids and build a home. It took me a while to think because I was building air castles in my mind, with the two boys, but our lives were easy to map out so I shared my predictions.


"I feel like I would prefer a life with Jack more. I know, weird but because I feel safe with him. I do not think I would have my dream life with him, but at least with him I wouldn't have trust issues, or wonder if he is ever going to walk out. But with Levi, I'd definitely have a more fulfilled marriage, I see myself happy, having so many moments of ecstasy, and just constantly being in love, and having it stay that way if he could just get it together." I confess, and we both swallow the depth of the truth I just shared.


There's a turn your life takes when you realize the truth - that maybe you were never in love, or you never loved them enough or even worse - you just loved how much they loved you, and that is only why you stayed. My life took one that day, but it took me almost two months to make the shift on my relationship - Yes, I saw Levi a couple of times in between, and yes we took a break with Jack because I needed space to figure out who I wanted to be with.


You are wondering who I end up with?


In the end, I chose neither. I chose myself, I chose the loneliness that comes with choosing yourself. Jack, I didn't love him enough. I was settling, if I chose him. Levi; I know I could have loved with everything in me, but he still was the same guy that was very inconsistent and there was a chance I would be signing up for the greatest heartbreak down the road. So, I chose myself and with that loneliness of walking this road alone, I found freedom. I found freedom that can only be found when you choose to sit on a table by yourself. The freedom made me realize that settling for anything isn't better than having nothing. It never is. That's the freedom I found in this self inflicted loneliness.




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