Sat scared outside the tomb. My mind took me back to a place where Jesus lay. It is empty. It is empty. It is empty. So why does He feel dead still? There’s been an unease in my blood ever since He started walking the earth. The skepticism shows. Isn’t God supposed to be different? Isn’t He supposed to be a big angelic guy, with a rather large mustache and a distant personality. Isn’t he supposed to care only about the rule-followers and the hearts of the righteous? Isn’t Jesus supposed to run an exclusive club that not too many people can get. But this man was different. Best I can describe it: He felt like sunshine. He was light and love, and everything in between. He was a king yet he served relentlessly. Oh, the son of man.
In some of my more introspective days on earth, my mind tends to wander sometimes. I start to question the things I believe in, the person I am, and the person I want to be with and all that. I start to look deeply into who Jesus is, and what I believe. On some of my sadder days, I tend to believe the thought that I probably have a Christian faith because it is all I've ever known. How could I move away from something so familiar? How could I cause such a catastrophic uproar in my life by questioning the very thing I rest my whole life on? But Jesus isn’t afraid of my questions and doubts and fears and skepticisms. I grasped this when I saw Jesus through a telescope.
When I let my mind run, I see Jesus in different chapters of the Bible and I let myself into His story and I wander: If I was in the stands, listening to Him speak, would I know who He is? And then I get scared, because I do not want to know the answer. My head is constantly swayed in different directions, and the path I want to take the most, is the one I go down the least. Life's funny like that. If Jesus walked up to me and said, I am God, would I know He is? Deeper than that, would I believe? Would this Thomas that constantly asks Jesus to show his hands, believe that He is God? And that she is safe with Him?
I guess I would have because eventually, after the dust settled, and the fog was lifted, I found my way back to the King of Kings. But really He found me. I know that now. I will tell you the first time I saw Jesus through my telescope. I had known Jesus my whole life, but I never saw him until that summer. I am glad I did, because it opened my heart to really look for Him in John and I am so happy that my life went down that rabbit hole.
I was tired, hurt and my heart ached. I was overwhelmed and storms blew around me. My best friend had passed away. I remember specifically crying to the God of the heavens, “Do you not care that I am dying?” It’s a heavy question, and to make it even worse, I felt that He didn’t care. It was my loneliest belief yet. But see, everything I am about to tell you from here on are my actions, but really it was the Holy Spirit guiding me. I didn't know this then because I let His voice drown in my noises, but He will always find you, because He found me. Okay, I am side tracking…
So, I was simply passing away on the inside, but somehow I found the energy to pick up the Bible and read a passage. It was random. It was Jesus on a boat, asleep and His disciples woke him up screaming, asking “Do you not care that we are dying?” because there were storms all around. Jesus got up, looked at them and said, “You have little faith.” and then calmed the storm. Did I learn my lesson then? No. I found more reasons to blame God for the pain in my heart. I went to bed thinking about if I was in the disciples' position I would never doubt Jesus, even if he was asleep on my boat, because I would know He was there. And that would be enough. Then I dreamed. And in that dream, I saw Jesus.
I was in the exact Bible scenario, and I know you’re thinking; that is how dreams work, but stay a little longer please? Okay... So, I was crying and looking around hopelessly, then I saw Jesus asleep in the boat, and I woke him up. Shaking, crying and throwing up. Then I screamed the all familiar words: “Do you not care that I am dying?” And I saw His beautiful face. It was sad. It was as if He knew and felt everything I felt and even more. I know He was sad, then He whispered. "I am here. I am here." And then I woke up.
I saw Jesus. I saw Jesus. And I could hear Him now. He was here. He was here.
I looked at my reflection in the glass in my bedroom, and I knew He was there. That was enough. He was sad too. I saw Jesus through a telescope. It’ll get better, I assured myself. I did get better. Because I saw Jesus through a telescope.
I started to wish that I existed at the same time He was alive. Wouldn't it be just pure joy to know the human flesh of God was around at the same time? I wouldn’t have to beg for His presence. I would know. I would physically follow Him around. I wouldn’t have to wonder what my purpose was, who I should marry? I would just ask the King of Kings and he would know. I would be alive at the same time as God, then it hit me.
I am. At this moment, with all my fears, doubts and questions. I am alive at the same time as God, and He is even closer. He is so much more closer to me than Jesus would be when He physically existed because His physical flesh wouldn’t be present everywhere at the same time, but His Spirit is. And He lives inside of us. A constant guiding light in our hearts. His Spirit is alive in me, and you. God in the flesh would be cool to have, not gonna lie, but the Spirit is great too.
Your life is better with the Spirit inside of you. It is more crowded in your head with all the noise, but if you quiet your mind a little bit more, you will hear Him. Oh, but to actually see Jesus? Someday….
We do get to see Jesus right now through other people’s eyes, and words. The accounts of Luke, Matthew, Mark and John all talk about the same Jesus and how they saw Him, and I think that is pretty cool. You get to see his heart for sinners, you and me. We see His heart for the people He loves, and the people He hopes would return to Him. We get to see what a loving savior He is that doesn’t use theology like a sword. A God that loves everyone equally and doesn’t have any prerequisites for the people He died for. We see a God that died for everyone. Not for His own story, so He seems like the hero but because He wanted our stories to change. A God that was filled with anger towards sin and how it destroyed the very people He loved that He did everything for us to have a chance to live merrily in the world like He first desired. If there’s anything you get from looking at God through a telescope, please let it be known that He loves. He loves fearlessly. He loves and He loves and He loves. If you ever look at Jesus through a telescope, let it be known that He loves you, like a lot and that He is there with you.
And you will find this Jesus everywhere you thought He wasn’t supposed to go. You will find Him in your sadness, anger, depression, and hurt and pain and grief. You will find Him in the dumpster with you. Not because He wanted you to find Him, but because he never stopped looking for you. Just look up. You will find Him.
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