I was 20. I was scared. I sat on a bench by the beach - it was 10am, and I couldn't stop the tears from running down my cheek. I couldn't stop the prayers from leaving my lips. I begged God, and I know my prayers touched heaven but my spirit was stuck in anguish pain, and a state of confusion.
I was lost. That's all I remember. That's the feeling I went to meet God with that morning. It's all I want to remember. Not the sun on my face. Not the cold beach winds. Not the blue sky and green beautiful lake. All I remember was a girl, on a bench, with a prayer that came out in whiffs and tears.
I was still happy you know? I was excited to hang out with my friends that evening, I was excited to play soccer that afternoon, and to go swimming in the lake shortly afterwards. It was the best October yet. 70 degrees and warm. In the fall. In Michigan. It was a miracle, and I thanked God for it, but I had other things on my mind when I went to meet God that morning.
I moved to the US, by myself when I was 17, and I wouldn't change that decision, but graduation was fast approaching, and I began to question where I would go. I wasn't comfortable enough in Grand Rapids, MI to ever call it home. No house had ever felt like it so it only felt right to leave. And if I leave where would I go?
My sense of adventure, love for uncertainty had been worn down. I used to scream, "the world is my oyster," and it still was, but I wanted a place I could go back when I was done floating around. Was it easier to stay? Was there anything I could stay for? I just drown in questions, and self doubt, and a hunger for answers.
There's a notebook I keep around to remember that day, those notes are stuck in mind. His answers and guidance are constantly playing in my head. God led me to listen to music - He knows my heart too well :) - it really does calm my soul, and while I hoped to find answers, anyone that has been a Christian would attest that God doesn't necessarily give you want you want, He gives you what you need, and I didn't know it then but I did need comfort and that morning, that is what I got.
We dance - Bethel music and Steffany Gretzinger "It's nice to know I am not alone, I found my home here in your arms." That lyric stood out to me, and I hang on to it. This was confirmed by God almost a year later when I felt the words, "You belong wherever Jesus is, and Jesus is everywhere." I wanted a place, a location, and instead I found comfort and freedom. Freedom to leave or stay, because either way, He was with me wherever I went. My home is in the arms of my Lord, how beautiful. xoxo :)
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