CHAPTER ELEVEN : I THINK I FOUND MY SATELLITE.
MASONS POV
Phantom pain. It’s described as the kind of pain that you feel from a part that isn’t there.
“You’re not here, but I feel you every day. Dad’s obsessing over his work, more than usual. He’s not paying attention to anything, he’s not paying attention to me. He’s lost. I mean, so am I but he’s way worse at hiding it. I’m taking care of him now. I do the shopping, I tell the house helpers when to go home and when to stay. I think they do whatever they want anyway. Dad isn’t watching and I don’t care. I’ve come here everyday since they dug the grave for you. I don’t know why, because I feel like you’re in heaven so why don’t I just talk to you from my bed? There’s a part of me that believes maybe you’ll come back and all this will end. You’re the only person I am weak enough to admit it to. You’re the only person I am strong enough to tell. Give me someone new to love, and let me die before she does. I will love her forever. I promise. You want to know about school? Same old, same old. Eighth grade isn’t any more entertaining than sixth grade when you were actually here. It just started and somehow I just want it to end. Maybe because I know that every single day that passes means I’m closer to seeing you.” I say to my mother’s tombstone.
More accurately, it’s phantom love for me.
You lose an angel and you gain one. God closes a door, and opens a window. But not in the way you want. It’s never in the way you want, and it’s probably not the one you want, but you slowly realize, it’s the one you need. Atleast, I think so.
I walked to class later that day, and sat right next to my friends; Luke, Logan, Jack and Ryan.
I gave them all a quick handshake and I quickly forgot that there’s an emptiness left in me.
“So, Mason, why don’t you say hi to Ryan?” Jack says, from behind me and I turn to see his cheeky smile.
“I already did, or is there a special hello I’m supposed to say?” I answer, returning the same smile to him. Then he smiles wider and I finally understand what he means.
“Ryan, baby, say hi to me,” I say with a cheeky grin, mockingly deepening my voice as I turn to my left and look at an annoyed Ryan. He flips me off and turns to look at his phone and we all laugh and start to chant ‘talk, talk, talk.’ He manages to pretend that he doesn't hear all four of us for a minute before he turns, smiles and says hello, and we all jump up in childish excitement and fist bump him on his shoulders and back.
“It finally happened, Ryan. I was worried you were a woman for a second there.” Luke laughs from in front of me and I join in.
“I really thought you would have made a lovely wife someday.” Logan chimes in and we all erupt with laughter. The rest of the world and class fades behind as we make merry with our jokes and laughter.
“Enough with the jokes, man. You’re dulling my sparkle.” Ryan jokes, and we all stop for a second in awe at his voice before smiling and snickering, which kept going even when the teacher walked in.
“Logan and friends, I’m sorry that I am about to start teaching in the middle of your conversation.” She comments, and Luke briefly turns to look at her, still smiling.
“It’s okay, you are forgiven.” I say, loud enough for her to hear and give me the side eye before she turns to face the board. I earned a shoulder shake from Jack, a nod from Ryan, and a couple of laughs from the class.
She continues to teach and I pretend to listen, but I pay attention to the birds outside. The air around us, and my friends and classmates around me. I let my eyes bounce back and forth from the teacher, the board, my classmates and the outside. I think I’m trying to make sense of everything around me, or I am realizing that lives come and go and no dent is made in the universe. The world just moves on, and it spins, and the sun rises, and the birds sing, and those around us pretend that it is normal for you to stay the same after something life changing happened. I pull myself in before I fade into the darkness that is always knocking.
“Before you walk out, please pick 3 group partners for your English creative project. It is due the week of the Christmas party. Yeah, you’re not the only ones who can cause pain. Have fun.” She says, sounding proud of the groans being heard from people in the class.
“I know you said 3, but you meant 4, right?” I ask, and she looks over in my direction.
“Baker, you make a stupid comment like that and you will be doing this group project by yourself.” She warns, and I try to resist but lose.
“But, it was a question.” I say, smiling, and Logan, in front of Ryan, turns to give me a look, and ends up smiling when he sees me smiling.
“Well, Mason, you’ve made it easier for your friends. You’re on your own kid, for this project. Class dismissed.” She says, just as the bell rings.
“You’re welcome boys.” I say as I get up and they all look at me.
“Baker, how are you going to go to the party, practice and do all your homework, genius?” Logan asks, shaking his head.
“I always manage,” I say, feigning confidence.
“Dude, go make it right. We cannot have you at home, at our first party, and first homecoming game.” Ryan adds to all their valid points, and I give in, but not before turning to Ryan and, and saying,
“I like the voice, it’s a shame though, you would have made a lovely second wife for me.” And they all laugh, and he attempts to hit me but I skip all the way to the front to talk to the teacher.
“No, Baker, you do not deserve forgiveness, or a chance to work with your friends. End of discussion.” Mrs. Smith says just as I open my mouth.
“How is it a discussion if you do not let me talk?” I ask and she finally looks up at me, and signals for me to go ahead.
“I cannot do this project alone. It’s been rough at home, and my friends and school are the only things in my life that haven’t changed. Please don’t take this away from me.” I say before letting out a big sigh. She rolls her eyes, and lets out a faint okay, and I respectfully nod, before turning to my friends and smiling as we walk out together.
“Bro, can I borrow the dead mum pass for my history class? I need to use it,” Luke jokes as we walk into the cafeteria, and we all laugh. Or I try to.
“It’s amazing! It’s been over a year, and it still works. I want one!” Logan jumps in, and all I hear after that are murmurs of me too, and all the classes and places they would use their dead mum pass in. I’d laugh when I felt them laugh, and I’d nod when my floating head thinks we've been away for too long. The dead mum conversation is over, and my mind finds its way back to earth.
“Boys, who are we taking to the party?” I ask, as we sit down.
“That’s what Ryan just asked,” Luke says.
“I need to adjust to his new voice. Sorry,” I quickly joke and they all mention who they might be taking. Luke goes in deep detail about how lucky he is to finally have Kay for about two minutes and I stare at his egotistical head for a second before cutting him short.
“I’m gonna go with my girlfriend, thanks for asking, Luke.”
“I was getting to you, and you should write her a note, I think she’d loved that.” He says, and I shake my head, and mutter, ‘I don’t do cute’ before filling my mouth with a bite from my burger.
My girlfriend, Bella, walks over to our table with Kay, two of their friends and joins us.
“I hear you’re a troublemaker?” Bella says, attempting to sit on my lap and I smoothly slide so she ends up sitting next to me.
“Aren’t those rumors just terrible and cruel?” I answer, with a mischievous grin and she smiles right back. I put my hand over her shoulder and nudged her to scoot over to my side, to make up for not wanting to have her sit on my lap and she seemed satisfied with the gesture.
“We will both be getting ready at my house, so your dad can pick us up at my house, yeah?” Kay asks Luke, signaling to both her and Bella and he grins wide, not hiding his excitement.
“I was gonna do this whole romantic proposal to ask you to go with me, but you saying that I am your date works too.” he says and we all smile.
The famous 8th grade Christmas party was kind of an informal prom. There were proposals, flowers, crying and love spread around. It was exciting for us too because even though the fall football season had ended, we got to play one more game with a nearby school before breaking for Christmas. I have to keep the crazy 8th grade Christmas spirit. I just have to.
“Unlike Luke, I will not take the easy way out and let her figure out that we will be going together. I will ask her.” I said, mostly to take shots at Luke and she smiled.
“I don’t do cute? Does that sound familiar?” Logan mocks and I roll my eyes and continue to eat. The rest of lunch is filled with conversations about the party, outfits, the game, and many other plans that eighth graders get excited about, and I float in and out of the conversation. We decide to hang out at Luke’s house later that evening, so we can get the project done.
On my way to the shop to buy chocolate and flowers for Bella, I passed my mum’s graveyard and suddenly it feels like loving another woman is equivalent to cheating on my mum. But it is a rite of passage, and I already said I’d do this. I comfort myself as we head to the shop.
Every day seems a little more gray to me. It all stayed the same but it all hits different now. I treasure life a little bit more now, but I hate living it. All the workers in my house are more reserved now. They keep to their jobs, they show up just to leave, with occasionally loud sleepovers because they know we do not care, or there is nothing I can do. Larry hangs back a little but stays in the same aisle as I am. He seems cautionary now. He did look out for me before but now he seems to be looking out; for me. It’s all in my head, but I think he’s scared of me, and not of anything happening to me. I never had a good cry, they worry. She was in hospital, and she was gone, and life moved on. So did I. The signs of loss are clearly seen in my dad so they know what he is capable of, mine no one knows; not even me. So we are all scared.
“Is everything alright, sir? You are just staring at nothing.” Larry says, and I turn and smile at him.
“Just trying to remember what she said her favorite chocolate and flowers are. She mentioned them while I was on my phone and I thought I was paying attention but now I can’t remember.” I say, laughing off his concern and he smiles politely at me.
“Well, I think girls are just happy to get flowers; whatever they are. But a safe bet is…”
“Roses.” We both complete the sentence together and his smile broadens, and I grab a box of chocolates, and the roses and as I head out, Larry gets a card, and goes to pay for them then we head back to the car.
“You would tell us if you weren’t okay, right?” He asks, and glances at me through the rearview mirror.
“I mean, I’m as okay as I can be. Like it’s all different, but I have to keep trying.” I answered, slightly honest, but not enough for him to worry. I can’t have anyone worrying.
“Yeah, it’s all different without your mum. It’s never been the same ever since.” He responds, and the glow in his eyes disappears for a second, and then he looks away.
It wasn’t that my mum was a superhero, or she was so coordinated and full of magic and charm. No, she was just kind, loving and so soft. Her greatest mystery was how she got to fall in love with my dad who is the exact opposite of her. But even then you could tell, she made him a little bit more like her, and he was almost lovable. She smiled gently, and loved fiercely. She was just kind. A kiss from heaven. Now God has another kind person in heaven, and I have no one else.
“Do you want me to wait, or come pick you up, at 9?” He says as he slows down in front of Luke’s house.
“Pick up is fine, and I might be a little later than that. We are actually doing homework this time. ” I say and he smiles, and lets out a lighthearted laugh as he jokingly shakes his head in disapproval.
I walk in and everyone's scattered around the house but the boys are gathered around the table. Bella is on the couch and jumps off immediately when she sees me with the flowers and chocolate and a poorly written card. She grabs them and then grabs me and doesn’t stop smiling. I smile back. She murmurs a lot of thanks and I love yous and I pay attention to the boys around the table smiling and gesturing lovey-dovey signs to me. I hear Kay deep in conversation with someone as they approach my back and Bella slowly releases me. She moves to the left to show off her flowers and this makes me smile as I hear Kay gush over them and scream as well. I turn to watch both of their reactions then I see the girl Kay was talking to. I stared at her a little longer than I should have because she looked really different. She had blue eyes, but they were insanely different. They were electric blue, colored with hues like the deep blue ocean. Her hair was gray. Blonde-gray. Silky and soft but strange looking.
“You can stop staring now,” She says, and I shake my head, and offer a sheepish smile.
“Sorry, I’ve just never seen someone who looks like you. It’s quite odd, honestly. I’ve never seen hair so light, and eyes so blue. Sorry.” I say, almost panicking.
“Obviously, my boyfriend is a big fan of hair, and eyes,” Bella jokes, and I glance at her. She feels like something familiar. And I feel good again, before signaling to the boys table and walking over.
“Isla’s interesting looking, that’s what I stand by,” I hear Ryan say as I pull a seat.
“You’re blind dude.” Luke shoots back, then hits him on the chest.
“She’s hot, I’m almost tempted to ask two girls to the dance.” He continues, and Jack smiles at him in agreement.
“You’re greedy. One woman is never enough for you, huh?” Logan jokes, and gets hit by Luke, and he hits him back and a small non-violent fight erupts. I turn to watch her laughing with Kay, and Bella. She talks effortlessly to them and they both squeal, hold hands and I turn to the boys when Luke and Logan stop fighting.
“Her name’s Isla. Interesting.” I say, and Ryan, nods in agreement to my direction.
“Yeah, she just transferred to our school and Kay is like her guide or help or something since we are almost done with the first semester. Quite odd to be honest that she didn’t just wait till next semester.” Jack says slowly, and he turns to glance at her for a second, and we all do too, then I turn away first and reach for my books so I can add them to the heap of unopened books on the table.
“I swear, I think her skin glows.” Logan gushes, turning to face us, and we all laugh at the gigantic crush he has on the new girl. Isla.
“We gotta get this done, otherwise it will be in vain, all our begging.” I say, and somehow, even the love struck Logan manages to hear.
We start to discuss different creative projects that we can do but we always end up ruling out each other's ideas.
“How about a poem?” Logan says and we all turn to him in disbelief.
“Oh Juliet, you wanteth to quoteth like shakespeare about how much thee loveth football in a poem?” Jack mocks, and receives a fist on his head from Logan.
“You’re an ass,” Logan shoots back, in the midst of all our laughter.
“Oh my goodness, why don’t you idiots record a video of you playing football or talking about it!” Kay screams from across the room.
“Wow, we thought of a poem before a video. We are stupid.” Ryan says and we all nod in agreement.
“But which of us is going to record the video?” I ask, knowing none of us can use a camera.
“We will,” Bella answers.
“Great! That way we can get to know Isla as well. Since she’s new.” Luke adds, and we all roll our eyes.
“What do I get for helping you guys?”She asks, her voice soft and angelic.
“A date to prom with me.” Logan chimes happily and she looks at him confused, and then smiles. Wide.
“Why does that statement sound like I am the one that wants the date?” She asks, cunningly, and we all smile.
“I like you.” Ryan says, walking over to shake her hand. We are always happy when we meet someone who can humble Luke or Logan.
“Fine, I’ll ask you to prom, and get you roses and the whole parade.” He answers with a dull voice, but he’s betrayed by his happy facial expressions.
“I like daisies.” She says happily, and he nods and pretends to take notes on his palm.
“Who likes daisies over roses?” I find myself asking out loud and she turns to look at me and points two thumbs to herself before slightly smiling, and we all walk out of the house to record the video.
“I’m not too big on playing to be honest, but I’m good so I do it. I think my favorite part of it is my friends. They feel like family.” I say to the camera, and Luke jumps on me and we playfully fight and laugh for the video.
“The boys are also my favorite part too. It’s like being in a band, so it’s pretty cool.” Logan says, and majestically throws a ball for Ryan to fumble over and we all laugh as he bends down to pick it up and face the camera.
“I’m here for the babes to be honest and being a jock means you win the popularity contest so yeah, I love it.” Ryan says, half joking and laughs but we all sense the honesty.
“Ever since he broke his voice today, he thinks he is the man, attracting women and all. He was once a woman not a day ago.” I joke off screen, and the ball is thrown to my head and the camera points in my direction and you can hear our laughs, together with Bella’s and Isla. Kay is working the camera and Bella and Isla have a front row seat to our madness.
“In all honesty, I hope to make varsity next year in high school, and still be the wide receiver of the team. But to play, I’ll settle for linebacker.” I confess, and you hear Jack murmur something, being a linebacker and Ryan laughs.
“We don’t want you as a linebacker, please.” Ryan says out loud and we continue to talk about our love for the game, each other, as well as taking shots and digs at each other.
“I don’t get it. What's the point of this assignment? For you guys to just talk about something you love?” Isla says in the middle of a little catch and throw game, while we talk about our favorite game moments. Kay points the camera towards her and Bella. Logan jumps in front of it and whispers about how we always have an audience in a cocky voice.
“Pretty much, yeah and just say it in English.” Luke answers and she shrugs.
“I keep thinking of snow white when I look at you.” Ryan says, and we all turn to look at him briefly before trying to make out how Isla would look like snow white.
“Your friends are right. You are a woman. What eighth grade boy recalls Snow White’s features?” She asks annoyed, and we all snicker and laugh as Ryan rolls his eyes.
“Okay, okay…haha. In all seriousness, Isla. You just moved here, what do you think of the boys on the team?” Kay asks, switching the subject, and we all narrow in on her. She pauses.
“I think it's great that you get to have a family you belong to, especially one that you choose. I’m glad they have that.” She answered, smiling and we all huddled up behind her and smiled before Bella screamed ‘the end’ and ran to jump on us.
I grabbed her in so much joy and spun her around and we were all laughing and hugging. Logan delicately placed his hand around Isla’s shoulders and she leaned in, giving him a polite smile. Kay was being embraced by Luke and Jack and Ryan were laughing with each other. I’m glad we have this. I’m glad I have this. I thought as we all continued to play football and laugh and merry into the dark hours of the night.
CHAPTER TWELVE : PICK YOUR POISON: THEY ALL KILL YOU ANYWAY.
“Wow! You look beautiful!” I exclaim, the minute I picked up Bella’s facetime and she smiles.
“Thanks! Kay did my makeup, and hair and everything,” She says, visibly blushing and I smile.
“Tell Logan, he is going to fall in love with Isla when he sees her tonight.” Kay yells offscreen.
“He already is in love, so it’s too late for that.” I answer as a joke.
“Wooww, he can’t be. Anyway, you guys can head over and pick us up. We are ready to PARTY!” Kay yells again, and I can hear her smile and imagine her dancing around. I nod at Bella then she hangs up.
I’m at Luke’s house with the boys. It took us an hour to get ready. 40 of those minutes were used in playing video games, and chatting about how great the game was going to be in a week. Before our finals week, and finally breaking for Christmas. These are our happiest days. This is the happiest I’ve been.
Grief is a complicated process. You think it will heal but it doesn’t. You think it is gone, but it comes right back. You think you will never survive it but you do, and sometimes you’re better for it. You breathe a little more, you pay attention to your soul, and you learn to love what you have because it can all fade away. But sometimes, because you breathe, you hate yourself for it. Because you’re living, you hate yourself for it. You hate others for taking up the space that the person you love would be better off filling up. You’ll hate and you’ll hate and you’ll hate or maybe you'll love, and you’ll love and you’ll breathe because you lost someone. But even if one choice feels better for your soul, it really doesn’t because none of the choices on your plate will ever bring them back. And then it all feels futile and empty and a piece of you dies if you let it. And it feels futile to let all of you live anyway.
“We should go, Bella is super patient but I can’t wait any longer.” I say to the rest of the boys in the room. Jack and Luke are taking pictures of themselves, while Ryan mindlessly scrolls through his phone and Logan is walking through a cloud of sprayed perfume before he coughs.
“Wow, when did you start being in love?” Ryan asks. I expected to hear a hint of sarcasm in his voice. It was just curiosity and all the boys stopped to listen.
“What do you mean? I’m talking about not being able to wait for the Christmas cookies and all the food.” I say smiling and Ryan shakes his head, before slightly rolling his eyes at my infamous joke.
“He’s talking about the flowers, and teddy bear, and chocolate, dude.” Luke chimes in, and I roll my eyes.
“What idiot doesn’t get their girlfriend flowers?” I shoot back at Luke’s proposal.
“An idiot that isn’t in love.” Luke fires back.
“Okay, but I’m not.” I gently reply before glancing outside for a second.
“When I’m in love, I’ll know.” I say, finishing my thoughts.
“How will you know then that you are in love? Does anyone really know?” Ryan asked.
“Yeah, people know. When I do, how about I let you all know?” I ask, and they all shake their heads and we walk out while we playfully slap each other’s backs. Eighth grade boys. Naive eighth grade boys.
We watched the girls walk out of the house and they all looked beautiful. Kay looked good. Bella looked amazing. Isla looked dreamy. We were all in Luke’s dad limo that was rented and were now driving to the gardens where they held the annual Christmas party.
“So, I hear you’re like the new bad boy in town,” Bella says, nudging me.
“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I smirk at Bella’s comment and wink at Luke after receiving a grin from him.
“How did you even get out of being in trouble? She’s quite a handful.” Kay asked me, referring to the teacher.
“The dead mum ‘pass’.” Jack and Logan say simultaneously and they fist bump each other proudly and I nod politely in their direction as a sign of agreement.
“Dead mum pass?” Isla echoed questionably.
“Yeah, his mum died about a year and half ago and ever since he’s been able to get out of everything.” Logan explains and she glances over in my direction. And everyone looks at me and I let out a little laugh and say yes. But Isla looks at me differently. She just does. And it scares me. So I turn to look at Bella, who lightly kisses me on the lips before smiling. Then I forget I am the kid with the dead mum pass. For now, I am the kid with a happy girlfriend and one who is going to have a good time at the Christmas party, and I do.
The dance floor is colored red, green and white from the numerous disco lights. There’s Santa hats and reindeer ears all over. All of the guys grabbed Santa hats at the door and the girls grabbed reindeer eyes. There’s professional servers walking around with Christmas themed food, complete with little reindeer ears, snowflakes, mini santa clauses, or gifts. All the remixes of Christmas songs and popular pop and raps songs get everyone cheering almost every second. And I take it as a sign. Next year will be a good year.
Bella and Kay are dancing with each other, while the boys cheer and dance along as I walk to the fountain outside the room to get some water. I find Isla walking back to the room where the party is just as I stepped out.
“Leaving so soon?” She asks, smiling, and for a split second I see what Logan meant, then I let that thought go.
“Just for the same reason as you.” I answer, pointing to her empt cup.
“You would think they would have water in there, next to the smoked salmon but they don’t and I cannot even find ...”She replies but I don’t let her finish.
“They have smoked salmon?” I ask in excitement and she nods smiling again.
“I gotta get me some. Thought it was just cookies and turkey.” I continued, and she laughed as she walked away. I started heading down to the fountain when I turned to her and called out.
“I can show you where the water fountain is,” I offer and she smiles and happily hops to where I am and we walk together in silence to the fountain. I throw a few side glances to her, and I try not to make it obvious but she catches me and I smile at her. She politely smiles back and I try to look anywhere else but her.
“How…long have you been going to school here?” She asks. I’d pretend to care too just to avoid the awkward silence I was creating.
“My whole life. All of us have gone to the same school since kindergarten, actually.” I said, then laughed at the thought of not much having changed.
“You think we are friends already, right?” She asks, and I am completely taken aback from the question. She patiently waits, and I look at her.
“Yeah…I think the guys like you and I think you’re…cool-looking. I think Kay and Bella are more of your friends though.” I hesitantly answer, scratching my neck, before she bends to drink from the fountain and I escape the humiliation of not being able to say a simple yes. She gets up and wipes the water from her mouth and I start to walk back from the auditorium, before she nudges my arm to stop.
“I do not like how your friends joke about your mum passing away. It’s quite insensitive.” She says, and I am shocked again by what she says.
“I think it is easier for all of us to pretend that I am fine than to actually let me not be fine and not know what to do with it.” I honestly responded and that shocked me.
“But you’re not fine. How could you be okay with that?” Shes asks
“I don’t know… When you lose someone, maybe you will understand then.” I answer, dismissively.
“Try me.” She says, pushing for more answers. And I search her face, and her eyes. I don’t know what I expected, but I found a girl who cares. Her deep blue ocean-colored eyes were soft, and she had a look so warm, I was melting. And for a moment, my brain stopped running.
“Our friends are probably looking for us.” I say, and before she pulls me back, I disappear into the auditorium, and I am back on the dance floor; being the kid with funny friends that are doing the bunny hop, and laughing at everything around us. It’s all I can be right now. It’s all I have the strength to be. That night I was the kid that danced on tabletops, and pretended to be able to drink a gallon of soda in front of the whole school. I was the kid that had a dance off with Luke and Logan with the rest of our class cheering. I was the kid that stuffed 4 cookies in his mouth at a go, to try and break the record of 7 cookies and ended up coughing them all out, and still laughed with tears streaming down my face. I was the kid that high fived everyone as they danced around in a circle. I was the kid that grabbed Bella’s face when ‘All I want for Christmas is you,’ was playing. I was having fun, and the few seconds I took out of my time to look over at Isla, she was dancing and laughing and joining in too, so everything seemed fine.
Slowly, people started to leave after midnight. We accepted the silent challenge; to be the last ones to leave. So we consumed more punch and kept on dancing until there were 10 of us left. The boys and our dates. Isla, Bella, Kay, Sam and Kaycee were still dancing around the punch tables, and giggling in the midst of different conversations. Isla looked over for a second and smiled in our direction, and I smiled back. She waved me over, and I was about to get up when Logan beat me to it, and I realized her previous interaction wasn’t with me. I watched him go over and try the drink she had in her hand before he spit it out of his mouth and they all giggled as he wiped his mouth in disgust and he started to chase her around the room, and she laughed as she ran away until he caught up with her and she was now laughing in his arms. He joined in, and in the middle of an almost empty auditorium he started to spin her around and she danced along. Then I realized I was staring at the wrong girl. So I glanced over in her direction, and she was staring at me with hopeful eyes. I smiled back, and almost in cue, a slow song played, and I got up and motioned for Bella to meet me in the middle. We danced quietly with her in my arms, and the rest of the guys followed suit until the song was over, and it got quiet. I think the DJ was tired of waiting for us to leave cause he started to pack up his stuff.
“I still have some crazy left in me,” Luke says, and he smiles at Ryan who cheers. Ryan’s date shakes her head and I can slowly see Kaycee, shake her head as well and Bella joins them.
“I’m gonna go home. I can’t keep my eyes open for another second,” She says, and Kaycee and Sam mumble something about going to bed as well. She decides to go with them and it is down to 7. Kay has her hand intertwined with Isla who is resting on Logan and he has his hand around her shoulders. Luke is jumping up and down trying to contain his energy. We are eighth graders. He is the craziest one of us. We never stay out this late. I think I know why now.
“Isla has a heated pool that you can jump into from the roof on the first floor if you dare to.” Logan says, and we turn to look at him.
“How do you know that?” I find myself asking.
“We were talking, it came up. Said we can use it anytime.” Logan casually answers and Isla shrugs, and Luke continues to bounce off the walls.
“Let’s go then. Into the Limo, we go!” He screams, and for some reason, we all follow and none of us are prepared for just how rich Isla is.
We pulled up to their driveway, and her face got scanned before we were let in. The driveway was long, but it was quite a sight, even in the middle of the night. The low glow of the moon reflected on the mini waterfalls placed on either side of the road leading up to a roundabout in front of their massive glass mansion.
None of us are badly off. We all attend a good school, live in good houses and have a good life, but none of us live this large. Immediately, a butler stepped out to open the door, and looked inside the car before greeting Isla and extending a hand to help her out. Isla seemed unphased to our wide eyes and shocked facial expressions as we took in all the wealth that surrounded. She was the first one to step out and missed Logan's comment about marrying into so much wealth.
“Are you sure you’re not some British princess?” Luke asks, trying to catch up to her as we all enter her massive glass mansion.
“If I was, I’d probably be living in a castle.” She answers, nonchalantly, and we all stand in awe of the architecture, the glamor and the wealth we all stand in.
“Yeah, you are right. This isn’t a castle, it's better.” Kay says, not looking in her direction. I paused taking in the sight before me, and looked in her direction. She was looking at all of us, politely smiling, before her eyes rested on me, and she nodded at me. A nod that I returned. And a nod that I found myself smiling at before she looked away.
She directed us to their back porch and one of the house keepers ran over to give us all towels and lay out snacks for all of us. Isla always said thank you meekly, and they would happily smile at her. They were friendly, loving and laughable around her. Teasing her about the fancy dress she had to be forced into, or asking her about the dance, and whether she wants the pool heated, and she’d happily respond with , ‘I actually really liked the dress, thank you for forcing me to wear it.’ or a ‘You were right, I wouldn’t be too miserable at a school Christmas party and I wasn't.’‘It is warm outside so not too hot, but warm enough, I don't know what temperature that is, haha.’ I don’t know what I thought she was like, but this was new to me. The joy, the cheerful banter, the life in the castle.
“Are they asleep?” Isla asks one of them as her househelp walks over to heat up the pool. Everyone went to change to their provided swimwear, and for some reason, I hanged back.
“Yeah, but your dad requested to be told when you got back, so Mari went to let him know you're back, safe and sound.”
“It’s odd when he cares.” She jokes, and her housekeeper looks at her and smiles pitifully.
“I know he does, in his own mysterious ways.” She answers, smiling at Isla. And for a really long second, I glimpse into my sadness again.
You are all alone, in an empty house, but full of people who do not really know you. It’s like walking fast through traffic lights in a busy street. Everyone is walking by and beside you but no one really walks with you. And you are surrounded by people, but you have never felt so alone. It is the worst type of loneliness. It is easy to know you are alone when there’s no one around you, because there’s hope that the feeling will go away when you find the right people. It kills you slowly when you realize you are lonely in a room full of people. It’s the slowest way to kill your spirit. But mine never died because right before my mum left, I found them. And when I have them around, the feeling fades.
“Dude, we get it! The house is amazing, but we can’t jump in this pool without you.” I hear Luke shout, and as I turn to look at him, I catch Isla looking at me oddly, and then motioning for me to go and jump in with my friends. I quickly took off my shirt, pants and jumped in with my friends.
We all caused splashes, and noises and the sounds of screams and laughter filled the air. We jumped on each other, raced, and sang along to light music that was playing in the background. Kay and Isla would occasionally join the madness, but they were mostly chatting off to the side, with their legs dipped into the water. The pool water would lightly reflect on their faces, and I was caught staring in their direction by Kay who motioned for me to go over.
“Saw you checking us out.” Kay joked and a forced painful laughter came out.
“I was looking at the snack tables behind you, locally famous drama queen.” I jokingly shot back and we both laughed out loud, and Isla looked confused.
“It’s an inside squad joke.” Kay said amidst laughter.
“Luke was trying to woo her so she could date him and Kay made all the boys interested in dating her do a presentation on why she should pick them. Luke’s genius idea was to start off by saying, ‘Even though you are a locally famous drama queen…blah blah,’” I found myself explaining to her and smiling back at the memory of a desperate and once somewhat humble Luke.
“He got the girl, so it must have been a great presentation,” Isla said, smiling back at me, and then I looked at them playing water polo before looking back at her.
“I guess there’s no formula to love, huh?” I found myself asking her and she nodded, smiling confidently at me.
“Yeah, I know we are kids and no one thinks we know what we are doing, but you never know who you fall for,” Kay added, staring at Luke. Who was now on top of Ryan, laughing and fighting him for the beach ball.
“For instance, I never saw you and Bella ever dating. In the million outcomes of life, never. The two of you. Together.” Kay continued.
“Why? I think they are great together. Almost perfect in fact.” Isla added, and I found myself high fiving her, and splashing little drops of water on her, which she wiped off promptly before splashing some water on me, to which I swiftly dodged, while laughing. She dipped both her hands so she could double splash me, and she ended up getting me, so I decided to grab her feet, and force her into the pool. An action to which she ended up screaming and laughing at before going under, and once she came up, started to violently splash water at me. And a water war began between us and spread to the rest of the squad, and for about 5 minutes there was water everywhere and screams and laughter and a bunch of other words.
“Oh my gosh, Isla! It’s like 3am in the morning. You can have friends over whenever you want, but you have to not wake your father up.” I heard someone yell over our voices, and the playing stopped.
“Oh hi mum! Sorry, I didn’t know dad was home.” Isla lied cheerfully, before getting out of the pool, and her mum walked over and kissed her head and Isla smiled slightly.
“I went on the business trip alone. I thought your dad was supposed to drive you to the party?” She asked her as she lovingly bent down, still with her heels on, and wiped the water drops from Isla’s eyes.
“Oh, Luke’s dad rented a limo for us, so I just rode with them.” She responded, and the mum turned to look over at us for the first time while we were still.
“You’ve made friends fast this time,” The mum said and smiled in our direction.
“Oh, you know they’ve been forced by the school to hang out with me, so here they are.” She joked and her mum forced her to look into her eyes, and she shook her head, before standing up straight.
“So, which of these boys is the sweet Logan that took my girl as his date?” She asks, as Logan raises his hand smiling and she walks over to greet him and whispers something that causes him to smile wide, and glance over at Isla who blushes for a second.
“Okay, I’ll let you guys keep hanging out. Please know you are always invited to hang out here, and you can sleep over anytime. Just, no loud noises past midnight please.” She said as she walked away and waved us goodbye, and Isla looked embarrassed.
“Well, now that the mum has officially made me her son, guess I’m part of the royal family.” Logan said, smiling wide before swimming over and yanking Isla into the pool.
“What did she tell you?” She said, while in his arms and he spun her around slowly smiling.
“It’s a secret between us, Isla.” Logan replied, and I walked over to Luke’s side.
“What do you think of them two?” I ask Luke, and Ryan who glance over at Isla and Logan talking with smiles on their faces.
“I mean, he’s saying he is in love after meeting her a week ago, and he has never been happier so I believe him.” Luke answers, and tries to study me for a minute, before smiling.
“Are you jealous that you and Bella aren't the cutest couple in school anymore?” He asks, nudging me to the side, and I try to push him away but he ends up laughing and splashing water on my face.
“Yeah, maybe that’s it.” I finally reply, glancing at them one more time.
The night got slower. There were whispers and giggles between Logan and Isla all night before we went to separate rooms. We had group conversations about the homecoming game in a couple of days, the tests we all have to talk about, and the excitement of being freshman the next year. We talked about what we would all be doing this Christmas and I stayed really mute. I never know what to do anymore because she isn’t around to tell us what to do, or where to go. And we all pretend not knowing is alright too.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN : A NEW FAMILY BUT I DO NOT HAVE HER.
Kay and Isla slept in the same room, while the guys all slept in the same room, but I couldn’t sleep. And for some reason, I thought trying to get water was a good idea so I did. In the middle of the night. In a stranger's house. I walked until I got to the front door, and I decided to wander around aimlessly, until I heard a noise. A gentle laugh. I walked in that direction and peered into the door since it was slightly opened just to see Isla’s parents, dancing around the kitchen and the mum laughing with her lungs filled with joy and love. The dad had an apron saying ‘kiss the cook’ and seemed to make a mess of whatever he was doing as there was flour everywhere. But it made sense, he was paying more attention to his woman right now until he started to stare in my direction. I wondered what he could be staring at, until I shamelessly realized I had been caught peeping so I let myself in.
“Hi, sorry...umm... thank you for letting us stay over. Umm... I got thirsty so I was looking for water, and was scared of disrupting whatever you were doing.” I confess as I walk towards them.
“And you are?” Isla’s dad asks, looking at me suspiciously. Suddenly I was conscious of the fact that I was semi-naked, with just shorts on, in a his house.
“He’s one of Isla’s friends. They all slept over since it was too late to go home.” Isla’s mum answered with so much warmth and a smile.
“Oh, one of the kids that make noise at 2am.” He responded, and turned to look at his wife, who just smiled at him then looked at me.
“Mason.” I sheepishly answered, and Isla’s mum directed me to sit on the opposite side of the island, so now I was facing them.
“Nice to meet you, Mason. How is school going for you? Excited about anything in particular?” Isla’s mum asks as she sets a glass of water in front of me. Her dad pays no attention to me.
“Well, I am excited for the homecoming game in two weeks and Christmas break I guess.”
“Oh, that’s fun! We’ve been trying to get Isla to join a sport or a team like normal kids but she hates it. Hopefully, you guys can change that. Any fun Christmas traditions with your family?” She asked, and my throat clenched. It was dry and painful. It’s okay. She didn’t know.
“Not much. My dad works.” I blurt out and breathe deeper to calm myself down.
“So does Isla’s dad, but Isla and I always fly to California to get away, watch movies, open presents, sing Christmas songs, and go to her favorite Christmas festivals and plays. Will you do anything with your mum?” She asked. I clenched, then forced myself to breathe.
“My mom…umm…my mom is in the grave.” I answer softly. It is a quiet truth that I still deny knowing.
“What is your mum doing…” She starts, confused at first before catching herself before finishing the sentence. I look away, before I feel her hand on my arm.
“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know.” She replies softly, and maintains eye contact. I nod shyly.
“It’s just you and dad, huh?” She asks, and I nod again trying to avoid her warm but intense stare. She looks over at Isla's dad who hasn’t looked up from the phone.
“Spend Christmas break with us then. It’s just Isla and I and you won’t be budging and I won’t stop bugging until you do.” The mum said and she held both of my hands.
“Welcome to our family, Mason.” She said warmly, and I found myself nodding, and blinking tears away to pretend that her words didn’t hit home. The father turned and offered me a small smile, before kissing Isla’s mum and walking away and we stayed awake the rest of the morning till everyone was up at 10am. She made the pancakes, I ate them. She told me about her secret ingredient, and I forgot the second she said it. But it was nice. It felt nice.
“When did you get up? I woke up to pee at 6am and you weren’t there.” Luke said, the minute he saw me. Everyone else surrounded me shortly after.
“I found myself here after getting lost looking for the bathroom as well. Decided to help make breakfast.” I said, and realized how weird it looked as the table was laid out with different assortments, including the pancakes but there was no one else in the room when they came down.
“I was with Isla’s mum who was joined later by a couple of their cooks and housekeepers.” I added, and Isla looked at me confused.
“My mum never cooks.” She finally said, and I felt my world start to spin.
“She was here.” I said, raising my voice. Not yelling.
“Okay, okay. I believe you. Let’s eat then.” Isla replied and they all backed away heading to the table to eat merry.
“Can I live here forever?” Logan asked cheerfully with a mouth full of jelly, and bread. His question was followed by a bunch of enthusiastic me too’s, and we all continued to eat and laugh.
Isla would occasionally glance at me. Our eyes met a few times, and she wouldn’t look away. She just tried to study me. Then I would look away. Different conversations flew over my head, and my silence went unnoticed except from the girl who always paid attention to me. She sat right across from me at the table.
“Quit staring at me.” I whisper shout at her from across the table.
“I am not staring at you. Sorry, my eyes keep passing over you as I look around.”
“Well, you are looking around a lot.”
“And last time I checked, that wasn’t illegal.” She shot back. I roll my eyes, then attempt to get up so I can walk away, just for Luke to drag me back down to my seat and mumble that no one leaves the castle.
“I want to go home,” I whine, and everyone ignores me as they live like princes and princesses. There’s a lot of joy to spread. Even Isla’s dad joins us for a while when we play football, and coaches the boys. He’s funny, and nice and I am having fun but I catch myself looking over in Isla’s direction. I can't understand what I see in her, but I see something, and I can’t stop staring. The girls walk back into the house and we pause on playing for a little bit. We stared into the sunrise for a while. It is unusual for us to be quiet, but I knew this was my chosen family. These boys were my chosen family.
“I think we have overstayed our welcome,” Ryan says and we all agree that it is time to go home. And as we drive away from their compound, I find myself missing her house already.
I walk into our house and I am met by the same darkness and sadness and eerie feeling that has been hanging around lately. The light never shines through the windows anymore, and the birds are gone. I think the house is haunted by her absence. We all feel it. I walked past my father’s office, but he is indifferent to my presence or my absence, but I still try. He is the only family I have left.
“Hi dad, do you think we will be doing something for Christmas this year?” I ask, and he doesn’t look up. Just shakes his head.
“Okay, I’ll hang out with my friends then.” I say, and he looks up at me.
“That’s fine, I have a lot of work to do. Have a great Christmas, " he says and I leave him.
“I have a homecoming game this Friday. You should come to that.” I say as I walk out.
But he never came, and I know that because I stood on the field scanning every face for the one I wanted to see, but he never showed up. She did though. My mum was everywhere. That is who I really wanted anyway. I thought as I walked back into the locker room.
“Son, how are you feeling about the game today?” My coach asks me as I walk into the locker room.
“I feel great. Ready to win.” I respond with a smug face and corky voice and the boys all cheer by hitting their lockers and screaming and clapping. I start to get dressed as he gives his speech.
I used to draw my power and strength from the speeches. Everything that was real was right in front of me, but it is all shifted. I breathe it in, and draw strength to go on from someone stronger. I want to believe that she is closer now. In her physical state, she couldn’t be inside the locker room, but right now she’s here, and I squeeze her hand a little. In reality, I just balled my fist. The distortion of my reality.
“You boys have made me proud this season, and it is a little sad that it is our last game till our next season, but we cannot let that take away how special this moment is right now. This is our family. This is our game, so let’s go own it.” He finishes as I tune back in to listen. We tap the mascot’s stature as part of our ritual before running out to the field and the crowd cheers.
Every athlete has that moment when you step into the field and stop to look around and every noise is drowned out, even the cheers feel isolated and distant. And you look around and you see the faces of the one you love. And I saw my mum, hand over her heart, with a proud smile and tears on her face. I smiled back before being yanked towards the center by Luke.
“Don’t get lost in the glory yet, we have to actually win,” He jokes and I laugh before pushing him jokingly as we join the team.
One of the biggest reasons we are a good team is the friendship we have. I don’t mean to make it sappy but Luke and I are in constant perfect communication. I’m not even kidding. He has switched plays, in the middle of a play, and we didn’t miss a beat. We executed it perfectly, and tonight wasn’t any different. He knew, the whole team knew it and everyone felt it. All our teammates were beaming ear to ear, and Luke and I were floating in the sky when the game was called 24 to nothing on the team. We tried not to be jerks as we wished our opponents a good game, but we were terrible at hiding the joy. Our coach ran over to cheer with us and the rest of the school followed suit and carried us as we celebrated our victory. This was what the top of the world felt like. Remember it, and cherish it. I told myself. The noise, cheers and celebrations slowly died down as people went their separate ways but we stayed, until Bella, Isla and Kay joined us on the field.
“Do you guys ever plan on leaving this field?” Isla asked, and the boy smiled at her while shaking their heads.
“If we could live here, we would.” Luke joked, and Logan agreed before asking Isla to stay put before running off. She watched him run and I watched her silently for longer than I should have.
“Hey, you did great today. Everytime I think you did good, you just prove me wrong by doing better.” The sweet small voice of Bella grabs my attention away from Isla and Luke beats my response by saying thanks before I do, and I laugh a little.
They don’t let me get sad because it is hard to find the magic we have: on and off the field. Life is good as it is. Even when something is different, we are good at pretending that nothing happened. Our hearts have found enemies with change. But we are changing. We just ignore it. And I think we got good.
Logan rushes back to the field with flowers in his hand, and the boys start to clap; so I join them. He has a speaker in his other hand and the song ‘Just the way you are’ by Bruno Mars starts to echo in the field as he nears us, and Isla looks too stunned to speak, but she smiles. She smiles big, and wide, and Kay and Bella start to squeal. Logan puts the speaker down, and the words echo to all of us, closer than ever, and Isla cannot stop smiling.
"But everytime she asks me ‘do I look okay?’ I say…when I see your face, there’s not a single thing I would change, cause you’re amazing, just the way you are.” Bruno mars sings, and we all start to sing along as Logan holds her hands and makes Isla dance around with her.
It felt magical, almost electric. Her gray hair swayed swiftly in the warm fall evening and her fingers were intertwined softly and gently around Logan’s. Her feet lightly touched the ground every time she moved on beat with the song. She let her eyes stay on Logan, and you could hear loud screams of my friends singing along. I heard her gentle voice sing along, and laugh with all of our friends, and Bella took her place right next to me, and I smiled at her before turning back to the two love birds.
“Make me the happiest guy in the world, and I am already really happy, by being my girlfriend?” Logan asks as the song ends and she delicately smiled.
“You think you’re happier than someone who just got his sight back, or realized his cancer is gone?” She joked, and he laughed.
“Positive. But only if you say yes.” He responded, and she nodded yes, and they hugged and kissed for a moment, and chills run down my spine.
One of the boys is in love.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN : LET THAT INNER CHILD CRY AND SPEAK .
I’ve procrastinated packing for days and I need to leave in a couple of hours, so I start to stuff anything I could need. The house manager, Eva, walks into my room after knocking.
“You’re not spending Christmas with your dad?” She asks, after noticing my suitcase.
“He wouldn’t notice if I was gone for a month, so yes I will not be here for two weeks.” I answer, and she tilts her head and stares at me.
“You all shouldn’t be here. You should go home and be with your families.” I add, and she smiles.
“I guess we’ll do that. We were all staying for you.” She says and I stop to look at her.
“We know it’s probably harder during the holidays without her, so we wanted to make sure you were okay.” She continues and I reply almost before she’s done.
“I’m fine. I’ll be with a friend. I actually have to pack Eva. I leave in like an hour.” I say, and she doesn’t budge, instead she re-opens my suitcase and starts to unpack and repack my messy suitcase, and I sigh.
Only in my head can I be honest about how I feel because I can’t run from the agony that grows in my chest. Sometimes it physically hurts to think about her. There’s a ball of pain that moves around my heart, and there’s a movie of memories that plays in my head everytime I see anything that reminds me of her. I walked past the Christmas tree last week in our living room and I heard her voice begging me to make the Christmas cookies for everyone with her again. And I pretend that I hate it, but she knew it was one of my most favorite things to do, plus decorating the tree, and giving presents to everyone in the household. She put a smile on everyone’s face, and I loved her for how much she loved. Christmas Eve we slept in the same room, and woke up in the pajamas we would spend the day in. There was music, movies, gifts and love in the air. It was mostly the two of us, but it was everything I wanted. Now there’s a hole in my heart that I try to walk past so I don’t have to see how deep it goes.
I stand outside Isla’s door and stare at the knob before it turns itself and there’s Isla standing in front of me.
“Thought I’d help you open the door,” She says, before pointing to the security camera and smiling shyly at me.
“Sorry, it’s just weird…” I start but she cuts me off.
“I get it. You came out of obligation. She never lets anyone say no to her.” She says and I nod in agreement, and not say what I was actually going to say.
“Is there anything you want to do? We fly out tomorrow so we kind of have all day to do something.” She asks, and I stop to look around.
“You don’t decorate your house for Christmas?” I ask, and she shakes her head.
“We are never home for Christmas, plus it is a lot of work for us. Putting them up, then taking them down. It just isn’t worth it.” She answers, and I look at her as she turns to face me.
“Unless you want decorations, we can do that so you feel more at home.” She hastily adds, and I let out a small laugh.
“No, this is better actually.” I respond, and she waits for me to walk beside her before letting silence fill out the rest of the conversation. I follow her to her room because no one tells me otherwise, and she drops herself on her bed, and gets on her phone, and I hesitate but eventually, I lay on the opposite side of the bed, and get on my phone. I glance at her phone and she’s switching between playing a game and texting Logan and Kay. The space between us was filled with silence and it was okay.
“Is Logan your first boyfriend?” I find myself wondering aloud and she nods before turning to look at me.
“Well, I dated this boy in third grade for two days before he decided I was weird looking and dumped me for a brown haired girl.” She says, and I drop my phone as she laughs.
“So you actually have gray hair?” I ask, and she nods again. There’s a twinkle in her eyes.
“Well, I think it’s pretty cool.” I find myself saying, and she has a questioning look on her face.
“What?” I ask, and she drops her phone and sits up and looks at me.
“The first thing you said to me was that I looked odd.” she recalls.
“Only because I’ve seen the same people my whole life, so you just caught me off guard.” I say, stumbling over my words and she shakes her head laughing before going back to her phone and I just lay there. Hands on my stomach, phone face down on me and I stare at the ceiling and I do not allow myself to think.
“I’m sorry for overstepping during the Christmas party.” Isla says after a long lived silence, and there’s a flashback about our conversation in my head.
“It is all good. I forgot what we talked about. I was too hyped up on sugar.” I nonchalantly respond, in the mist of fighting the new ball of pain that resurfaces in my throat.
“What do you do to remember her?” She asks, and I get up ready to escape the conversation.
“Can I use the bathroom?” I ask, and then I catch her eyes. Twinkling with love and curiosity, but I brush it off. She points to a door on the left, and I walk away.
I stayed in the bathroom longer than I had to, and I think that made it clear that I was hiding from her. A part of me contemplated running back home, and enjoying a quiet and lonely Christmas but every other part of me knew the silence and pain would be too loud if I stayed by myself too long, so I went back into her room to find her gone, and my story of ‘lost in the mansion’ continued. There were many empty rooms, but in this house it felt different. It wasn’t haunted by a loving ghost, it wasn’t covered by beautiful but painful memories. And then I saw the dad.
“Hey, it’s Mason, right? You’re not the ‘boyfriend’, are you?” He asked, and I shook my head to answer the last question.
“Must be special if Isla lets you join her and her mum's sacred Christmas ritual.” He comments as he walks past me and I get the urge to follow him.
“Actually, sir, it’s the mum that invited me.” I politely try to correct him, and he looks at me, and almost smiles.
“Still, she’s letting you come, and she seemed excited.” He adds, before stopping in front of a door, and I somehow bump into him and mumble a sorry, and he smiles this time after ruffling my hair.
“It’s a good thing you’re not the QB,” He jokes, and I find myself smiling.
“You came to the game?” I ask, and he stares at me oddly, before answering yes, with a sense of obviousness in his tone and proceeded to add,
“Everyone’s parents and their grandparents were there.” He says and I offer a short nod before looking around.
We were in his office, and it seemed lighter, and brighter than my father’s. He had a bottle of whiskey, and a ton of books on either wall. There was a giant portrait of him, his wife and Isla and a ton of family pictures around. You could tell he was a scientist based on the amount of research books. You could tell he was successful. You could tell he was happy with his life.
“What has been your most favorite discovery, or scientific observation so far?” I find myself wondering out loud again, and watch him pause for a quick second before he answers.
“I think it was crazy studying the scientific consequences of some acid these women in jail took to kill their babies, and the effects the acid they had on the women and the unborn kids since it didn't kill them.” He says, and I could almost catch a whiff of excitement in his voice.
“That’s pretty interesting and familiar. I think I heard of it. Did anyone live?” I ask, and he looks at me.
“Yeah, the incident headlined the news for a while. Sadly, they were all deemed unhealthy and unfit to be humans, so they were laid to rest. Tragic ending.” He answers, and I nod I find myself having nothing to say for a few minutes and he lets the silence play out.
“Is Isla sensitive about her hair and eyes? She doesn’t let anyone talk about them that much.” I start, and let my voice fade in the end when I realize how stupid my question sounds, but he lets out a little laugh.
“She’s just in middle school, having a little phase. Her gray hair and blue eyes make her everything she is. She’ll realize it in the future.” He answers, right before Isla walks in and looks at us questionably.
“Your friend was lost, he’s been hanging out here.” The dad says, and proceeds to sit down before turning to his computer. Isla excuses herself and I follow her outside.
“If you have something to ask about me, maybe ask me instead?” She said aggressively as she turned to stare at me before continuing.
“I’m confused, Mason. How is what you were just doing different from me asking you questions about your mum?” She asks, and I swallow before speaking.
“Because…” I start, and she looks at me impatiently.
“Because, you can do something about my questions, Isla. You can dye your hair, wear contacts. No matter what I do, as long as I am awake, my mum is dead.” I say to her with unmatched gentleness and she backs down.
“Wanna go play a board game so we do not end up arguing all Christmas?” She asks shortly after my response, and I am glad that she doesn’t acknowledge how sad I should be, and I nod and she leads the way to the living room where we are just two kids that played games all night with lots of snacks, and laughter and short glances into the life we were both pretending to actually be living.
People’s lives are different once you glimpse into them. I met a girl that lives in a mansion colored white, but she is lonely in a house full of people. It was easy to see that she was pretty satisfied with her life, but it was even easier to see that she felt like no one ever really knew her. Such wisdom in an eighth grader is only received when the world forces you to grow up, and to master your emotions before they swallow you whole. No one wants to be the kid breaking down in the halls in front of everyone because they miss their mother more than life itself. So you grow up instead, and you do not let that inner child in you speak, or get what they want. I saw the same starved inner child in Isla that night as well.
We sat next to each other on our ride to the airport, as we waited for our flight, and on the plane as well. I know there was probably nowhere else I could have really sat but it felt nice to notice that, and for Isla to shoot me a smile every so often, and for me to show her my favorite memes and make her laugh. It felt nice for her to have me as her only friend on all the online games since I just introduced her, and it felt great to teach her how to play. I sat next to her the whole flight and only paid attention to that. Nothing about the first class seats, the exquisite food, and service caught my eye. Only she did, and she never stopped looking at me too.
It wasn’t long until we landed and we were in California. There were palm trees, and the air tasted like salt and beaches. Everything felt free, and I joined in. We got a taxi, and she sat beside me. We drove and she pointed out her favorite places and everything she cared about in California. I was afraid to tell her but I think she knew that this was my first time in California.
“We have to get an In N' Out burger everyday. It is so good. And we have to get it animal style. No other way.” She said enthusiastically and I nodded with matched excitement.
“You eat there everyday, every time, Isla. Don’t you wanna try something else?” The mum asked from the front seat and Isla shook her head.
“In California, I eat tacos and In N’ Out everyday. Nothing else. You know that.” She answered, and her mother just sighed, but smiled.
“I’m sorry Mason, she calls the shots in California.” The mum said looking at me, and I just nodded, and smiled at Isla who flashed a smile at me, before looking outside the window.
We arrived at the condo. We were along Santa Monica beach, and Isla made sure to show me the Ferris wheel ride she goes on everyday, as many times as she can.
“It’s so cool that we can walk from our home to Santa Monica beach, and then walk to venice beach. The sunsets are so cool. Nothing is better than being here.” She says, and I stare at the clock and wait until sunset to find out how beautiful it is.
1:39pm. We get In N' Out burgers and she is right. Those are the best burgers I have ever had. Isla is much happier here in California, and she makes me want to be just as happy. Her mother hangs around us, but lets us walk in front of her as we walk from store to store, window shopping.
“Mason, whatever you need to feel more at home, let us know and we will get it for you. Isla always insists on her hollow, and shallow Christmas’.” The mum whispers to me, as Isla tries on different dresses and I stare at a blue shirt.
“It’s okay, ma’am. I am okay. Thank you for letting me come with you for free. That is enough for me.” I say and she shakes her head.
“I am not ma’am, one. Call me Mama Isla if it is too weird for you to refer to me as Tiffany. Two, go try the blue shirt, and get the beige pants underneath. I think they’ll look great for today’s dinner. Go try them on.” She responds, and I do not fight back. I smile at her warm smile, and I do as she says.
I walk out of the dressing room, fully dressed in the clothes I was trying on, and Isla’s mum gasps, and holds her chest.
“Throw on some dark brown loafers and you are golden.” She says to me, and instructs a nearby shop attendant who gets the shoes for me and I try to hide it, but I love the outfit, so I smile slightly.
“You know she is gonna start slicking your hair back with gel next, Mason.” Isla jokes from behind me, and I jump a little, before turning to face her and her hands full of clothes.
“Don’t you think you bought a little too many dresses?” I ask, pointing to her pile of clothes and she smirks at me.
“These are my Christmas gifts.” She says nonchalantly as someone takes the clothes off her hands and goes to the counter.
“Okay, so you do not have a Christmas tree to hide your gifts underneath?” I ask as she walks away and she turns and yells that they indeed do not have a Christmas tree.
Who doesn’t have a Christmas tree? I wondered as I walked to the counter, and waited for the mother to check out. Isla wanted to go to more stores but the mum didn’t want her tired before the big dinner. Isla was reluctant to say yes, but the mum presented her with past experiences of Isla crushing on the couch and missing the dinner with her other cousins and family that were coming down for the night, so we headed home hoping to get ready, but instead, she invited me to watch the sunset with her. We walked along the coast together and the mum stayed in the house preparing the house for the big dinner.
People were scattered everywhere on the beach, and there were barely any children. We were both walking on the shore, the waves lightly hitting both of our feet, and the water was warm. Our hands lightly rubbed against each other, and we smiled softly at each other, and she stopped to point at the sunset, but I stared at her face a little longer than I meant to. It was golden, and she glowed.
She was right. The sunset was beautiful. The sun gleamed on the water, and the sky was painted in hues of orange, and pink. The rays melted into the ocean, and the sunny skies lit the rest of the world delicately. It was new and it was different. Traces of my previous life disappeared with every breath. I soaked in the new sights, and let the silence hang. I really liked being alive, next to her. And I loved myself and everything around us. So I let myself feel.
“My mum loved to decorate the house for Christmas. She would love to bake cookies, and she loved everyone. And she was my best friend.” I confessed, and she turned to look at me.
“What else did she like to do?” She asked, with a faint smile, and I timidly smiled back.
“She loved singing. Not just during Christmas, all the time. I pretended to hate it, but I’d sing along quietly.” I continued, and she nodded and I kept confessing.
“She loved the sunsets, and coming to my games, and the skies. She found peace in the wind, and I thought she was all kinds of weird, but now I know she was wonderful. If she was here, I’d still feel like a kid. I miss that.” I said, finally finishing, and she gazed at me, and I just let it happen. I wouldn’t know what to say if someone confessed their pain to me, and neither did she, but she knew what to do. She hugged me so tightly and I let myself rest in that before hugging her back. When we finally let go, and smiled, like she always did, and then I cleared my throat and looked away to hide some of my tears.
“Thank you for sharing, Mason. I don’t know what to say, but I am happy you are not trying to forget her, when she meant everything to you.” She finally said, and I realized how much of her I had tried to erase. It was just easier, I wanted to tell her but I just kept quiet, and she sighed.
“I truly love my mum. I think she’s weird, but really cool too. I wouldn’t say that to her though.” She said, and I let out a little laugh.
“My dad is really distant, but in some weird twisted way, I think he loves me.” She continued and I looked away.
“My dad is the same too, and I think he mostly loved me because he loved my mum.” I added, and she looked away for a little while, but I just memorized her features.
“Well, you can be part of my family.” She said, and it hurt and felt good all at the same time.
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