CHAPTER SEVEN : I ONLY DREAM DURING THE DAY BUT HE’S THE DAYDREAMER.
I stared at myself in the mirror. Most of the ombre hair had grown out to the tips and most of my hair shaft was gray. It was a strange combination. My mum became too skeptical about me dying my hair again in fear of losing my actual hair color, which I thought to myself would be a silent victory. I had tried everything to look like everyone else, contacts and dying hair alike. Mason stood by me through all these changes; he said I was beautiful either way.
It’s easy to assume that we both don’t know what love is because we are young. You probably are right though. We both have absent father figures, I have an overbearing mother. I don’t think we know first-hand what love is but we made it suit the both of us. I cared so much and he did too. I know that. He never failed to make me feel loved, wanted and cared for. And I never failed to make him know that he mattered to me, that he was the only reason my head was still above the waters when the rest of me sank in an abyss of confusion, negligence, and self-sabotage. I knew we loved each other, that much I knew.
I went back to the room and looked through my backpack to find the one book I always carried around; A scrapbook of all the notes Mason had ever written to me. It was my favorite book to read, it had stupid notes from him such as ‘don’t leave your headlights on,’ or ‘don’t drive at night without your headlights,’ that he’d leave on my windshield. It had deep intense notes such as the one after his first football march and my first cheer game, or the one he sent me after my suspension in my junior year, or the one after our very last game before everything went down. I turned the pages to find it. I stopped. There it is. A plain white paper engulfing all the feelings he felt after his last game of our junior year.
Now, I’m a daydreamer. I didn’t think you could look any prettier but here we are. God, you are such a musical dream I don’t want to wake up from. Seeing your beautiful smile, hearing your voice as you cheer, and seeing you scream and get excited when I scored a touchdown; I’m the happiest human being alive. I can’t get used to the feeling of having you because you’re everything I have ever dreamed of. Sure, I get bummed that my dad doesn’t come to my games but you’re worth a thousand dads. I’ll always choose being and seeing you over anyone in the world. You’re everything to me Isla Winter. Everything. See you in 15 minutes in your cute cheer uniform or your jeans, whatever, you’re beautiful in either. Love you. Xoxo
I always get the same feeling when I read that note; butterflies in my stomach and head in the clouds. His words, his presence always feels like summer sunsets; beautiful, full of colors, and dancing on the edge of light and darkness, the same feeling I get after reading all the notes he leaves me after all his games. but then the same somber feeling comes after because of what happened after the last love note of our last game.
***
I folded the note and put it in my bag after giggling and blushing at every word. I was walking towards my car when I saw Logan through an open class door searching frantically for something. I stood at the door for seconds without him noticing me until I knocked and startled him.
“Gosh Winter, did you have to scare me?” Logan asked, startled after seeing me.
“What are you looking for?” I asked, moving closer to where he was.
“Your loving baby.” Logan flirted as he smirked. I laughed lightly as I took a swift breath of air when he ogled at my body without meeting my eyes.
“Mason is so lucky he got you now.” He whispered as he moved closer to me and I leaned back.
“You’re too good for him honestly, and you’ve been with him for what, three years, you’re probably tired of him, let me show you a good time.” Logan slowly whispered into my neck and I felt his hot breath run down my spine. I caught my breath for a hot second.
“See what I did to you, and all I did was whisper.” He cockily continued before placing his hand on my waist and even moving closer to me.
“Have fun finding what you’re looking for, and explaining this madness to Mason.” I firmly stated, before taking a couple of steps back and glaring at him then turning my back to him as I headed out.
“You’re going to regret picking Mason over everyone.” Logan called out from behind my back.
“The only regret I’m going to have is staying here long enough to have this conversation.” I turned to say to him briefly before walking out.
I was about to exit the door when he pinned me against the wall with his muscular arm and started kicking my legs when I resisted.
“Get... off...me...you...big stupid....” I started before he cut me off with a kick on my knee causing me to wince in pain.
“You were saying!?” He yelled before kicking me again, this time much harder.
I continued wincing in pain and kept trying to bend down to attend to my injured knees, but he kept pushing my back into the wall. He finally closed the distance between our bodies by fully placing the weight of his chest and lower body on me while he still nailed my hands above my head with our noses touching. He started to lean in, and I tried to sink further into the wall before finally our lips momentarily touched and I shifted my head to the side, and he ended up with his lips on my neck. He let out a little laugh, before starting to plant little kisses and I tried to wiggle out of his grip but not to success. I started to feel his hot breath on my neck and my temperature started to rise as he made his way down my collarbone.
“Calm down psycho, most girls enjoy this.” He jokingly said before moving back to my neck.
My breath started to shorten as he made each planted kiss longer than the last. He started to push his body weight rhythmically to his kisses. My heartbeat started to fasten and get louder in my ears until it was all I could hear. I felt for the very first time my blood move so fast up my brain and down to my legs in a split second. My body shut down for a second and woke up alive the next. I felt something more than blood run in my veins and down my spine. It felt like electricity. It felt like my heart palpitations were going to cause my ribs to burst open or close in on my other organs.
I passed out for a second and the next; I felt energy surge out of my body displacing every single thing in the room. It threw Logan to the opposite wall, shattered and broke all the furniture in the room, and broke one glass window. I fell to my knees and struggled to catch my breath with my head on my knees.
“Owwww! What...did...you...do?” I heard Logan whisper in pain before lifting my head and staring at the whole room in shock and the cut on his forehead that was gushing blood.
I got up and ran to his side, just for him to push me away.
“Stay away from me, you freak! What was that?” He yelled, clutching to his head wound, and continually wincing in pain as he tried to sit up.
“I swear, I don’t know what just happened.” I pleaded to him as I tried to help him up once again just for him to swat my hand.
“You want to wound me even more than you have, you psychopath! You really aren’t normal and now the whole school will know about this!” He threatened me after being able to sit up against the wall. I looked into his eyes just for him to roll his and pull out his phone. I watched him dial a number in pain then lay it on the ground. Two beeps and someone picked up.
“Logan, where the hell are you? We’ve been waiting for you man!” I heard Luke yell through the phone the minute he picked up.
“I can’t walk! This freak of a girl just...” He tried to explain but Luke cut him off.
“Are you okay man? What do you mean you can’t walk?” Luke asked, sounding confused.
“Just come to the Home Ec class, and if you can, bring the police.” He said in pain but managed to keep eye contact with me through the last half of his statement.
“Logan, I promise, I don’t know what...”
“Save your bull for the police,” He winced before falling to his stomach in pain and I ran out of the classroom into my car and drove home fast.
CHAPTER EIGHT : HEROES HAVE THE HEAVIEST COFFINS.
I watched Mason walk in and place the grocery bags on top of his bed and sit on top of his bed as he gazed at me. He sighed before sitting down next to me and glancing at my scrapbook before picking it up and going through it.
“You kept every note I sent you, even when we were just friends.” He marveled as he felt each note with his fingertips.
“Well, it’s a good thing I did, because you never know when the good days are about to end.” I mumbled with a small sad smile towards the end.
“What do you mean, Isla? What are you planning to do?” He demanded as he dropped the book on the floor and turned to look at me. I sighed and slowly looked him up and down. I blinked slowly as the mood shifted in the room. Each blink got slower as if I was trying to capture a mental image of the boy in front of me before he disappeared. He didn’t blink at all, he kept his eyes fixated on me. He kept his breath in tune with mine but I couldn’t keep up so I stood up to go sit next to the grocery bags, and I went through them until I found our favorite snack and my favorite sandwich. I handed the chips to him, which he just stared at before getting up and walking away. I felt his scent slowly fade away with every passing second he was gone. I deeply inhaled and slowly exhaled, and with the next breath every trace of him was gone and I was now breathing in the scentless cold air. I stared at the door hoping he would walk back in. I tried praying to Jesus, something I had never done before. It’s true; desperate people try to find faith, but it felt like I was talking to a wall.
It’s hard to try to grasp the concept of faith, when you don’t really know what to believe in. Believe in a God that you’ve barely heard of; or a God that seems too good to be true? Because how could he just love me and not want anything back? How could I have faith when the only thing I believed in was falling apart and was now out of my control to fix it? How could I believe in anything else except the fact that I could be the monster the world thought I was or the fact that I was ruining the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve seen and heard people say; God is love, the true God encompasses everything love is, and if that’s true: I hope love saves me, because it’s the only thing that’s kept me breathing when the monsters in my head try to suffocate me.
I had walked to the mirror again and was now staring at my reflection. I never see myself for who I am anymore. I see my blonde gray roots mixed with ombre highlighted tips, I see my blue eyes that I have constantly tried to get them to look brown. I see enormous eye bags and a tired soul. The only strength I have left is being used to hold back tears, because there’s never a good time to weep. Even when he’s gone.
Mason never came back that night or the night after. I woke up to an empty ready-made bed, a loud silence and an eerie feeling of loneliness. I got up, threw all my blankets on the floor before dragging myself to the bathroom and brushing my teeth. I scattered all the remaining groceries as I looked for something to eat before plopping myself on the bed he last lay. I grabbed his bedsheets and took a deep breath and when I finally let the air out, tears came rushing out. I tightly gripped the sheets and cuddled with the remainder as I silently sobbed into his bed. There was a little reminder that he lay there, and I hung on to what I had left of him till I fell back asleep.
Hours later, I slowly opened my eyes as they tried to re-adjust to the light in the room. I looked around and saw that I had been tucked in, or I got in by myself. I looked around and my bed had been made, and there was a fresh batch of groceries on the opposite wall. The room had been cleaned and everything was back to its original place. I got up quickly and looked around. I ran into the bathroom and looked for a sign of someone, but there wasn’t a sign of him there either. I walked back to the bedroom, and straight to the door. I stared at the doorknob and placed my hand on it before retreating it back slowly. I took a deep breath before walking to the window and pushing part of the curtain back and peeping. There was my car safely parked where I left it the last time I drove it. There were a few new cars, all kind of identical to each other and that caused me to pull back the curtain and move to the other window to look through it again, as if the world would change if I looked through a different glass. I tried looking through one of the black cars but the windows were heavily tinted. I squinted my eyes out of curiosity and I thought I saw movement but was startled by someone touching my shoulder from behind me. I quickly turned to defend myself when I heard the most familiar voice in the world whisper,
“What are you looking at?” And his eyes met mine. He seemed weary, like he didn’t know if he was going to be alive for any other second. I could tell he was exhausted and I knew the reason why. His eyes were puffy, swollen and had definitely seen more tears in the past few days than in a long time. His hair was a mess, and he didn’t seem to care about how he was holding up.
“Isla, what’s wrong?” He asked, this time shaking me slightly, pulling me out of my own mind that was trying to diagnose how much I had hurt him.
“Who owns those cars?” I asked, pointing through the window and he just shrugged, while shaking his head slowly.
“I’m sorry, okay? Mason, I know I’m the world’s worst girlfriend and you don’t have to stay and pretend that I’m not.” I confessed as I fought to hold back tears.
“I’m okay.” He swiftly responded as he tried to keep his breath steady and inhaled and exhaled hastily to keep up.
“You don’t have to pretend Mason, you’re not a hard book to read,” I argued, before slightly rolling my eyes.
“You don’t know that.” He argued back, but he didn’t look at me, he seemed to be trying to look through the window which made me turn slightly to look through but nothing had changed.
“No, Mace, it’s you who doesn’t know that and you’re not being honest with me or yourself.”
“Fine Isla, I am scared! Is that what you want to hear?!” he exploded as he moved back away from me slightly and turned his back to me. I watched his back muscles slightly relax as he exhaled and covered his face with his hands. I marched to face his front and took his hands off his face.
“I know you’re scared of what I’ll do Mason, and you think I’ll end up hurting you, and it's okay if you go, I understand.” I whispered to him as he watched my face intently. It seemed pointless to whisper as we were by ourselves, yet it seemed as the only thing I could do. I didn’t bother holding back the tear that escaped.
“I’m afraid of you hurting yourself. I think the whole chemicals in your body are mixing with your hormones or whatever and that needs to be stopped. I’m not denying that you're dangerous to the world, but I think that you’re most dangerous to yourself.” He softly spoke as he tried to reach out to touch my cheek and I stepped back to dodge his hand.
“So, why do you stay, if you think I could hurt everyone in the world, including you? Walk away and save yourself.” I blurted out as tears ran down my cheek, and I burst out crying. I tried to wipe my tears but that didn’t stop more from rolling down my cheek to the ground. Mason didn’t waste any time mirroring my actions. I watched precious tears roll down his face, as he pressed his lips together and tried to get words out of his mouth.
“How don’t you get it, Winter? The most cruel pain I could experience is if you get hurt, and I don’t think you’re capable of not doing that. ” He replied as he tried to reduce the distance between us and I slowly walked into my home, as he wrapped his hands around me and I felt his heart beat again. Finally.
I slowly pulled back and looked at him, and he offered me a small smile to which I returned.
“Where did you go?” I asked, as I remembered that he just got back. I watched his mouth open to say something but my eyes shifted to the shadow resting on our curtain. I moved a step back and Mason turned to look at what had caught my attention.
“You know there’s other people here other than us, right?” He asked a little too loud for our situation, and I shushed him, and waved him off as I approached the door cautiously. He grabbed my hand and shook his head after signaling at the door.
“I’ll just check who’s outside our window.” I whispered as I tried to shake off his hand that was gripping mine.
“What if that person is dangerous, or worse kills us?” He whispered as he tried to reason with me. I stood for a second and looked at him, before yanking my arm out of his grip.
“As you said, there are other people here, so I’m just confirming that, and anyway, we all eventually die and I’ve surpassed my death day with over sixteen years, love.” I cunningly replied as I placed my hand on the doorknob and gave him a quick glance before walking out. I think he mouthed sorry, but I walked out anyway, and was immediately captured with a bag over my head, a hand over my mouth and another pair surrounding my hands and feet before lifting me up. I struggle to breathe and break free. I squirmed trying to get the person to loosen their grip on me.
“You were right, she’s feisty, but I think you over-exaggerated, I can handle her.” A deep voice said to someone somewhere as he grunted with every toss and turn and kick and attempted punches.
“Don’t. Make. Me. Fight. You.” He said as he finally hit me painfully on my head making me whine and groan in pain.
“Shut-up,” he snapped again and hit me once more on my head causing my heartbeat to rise again as I let out an ear-piercing scream and continuously kicked and squirmed to get out of their grip. I figured they were two men, because the mens’ grip was too tight around all my limbs to be the work of one man. I let another ear-piercing scream when one of them almost twisted half of my body out of its socket.
“Open the door before she bursts into flames!” The same man yelled. I felt the tension and I could hear the intensity in his voice. I could hear the emotion behind his voice before they threw me in the car, yanked out the bag over my head and two of them sat next to me, and one was in the driver’s seat.
“Coordinate and you’ll arrive safely to your destination, otherwise, you fight, we fight.” The same man ordered as he pointed a gun to my head and caressed the trigger. I looked at all the men and I couldn’t recognize any of their faces. I looked around and at the window of the room I stayed in. Mason.
“Let me out. NOW!”I screamed as I scrambled to get to the door. I heard the click of a trigger, and the nozzle resting on my neck. In that frozen second, everything happened so fast. I saw Mason run out of the room and look around. I felt my heartbeat rise and stop. I saw the other black cars pull out at the same time as we were. He looked around confused, but he couldn’t see me. My eyes flickered from Mason to the man holding the gun threatening to shoot me if I made a single movement. The man on my other side clicked his trigger and suddenly it all felt real to me. A surge of pain rushed through my body, my stomach ached, my arms lost tension and my legs started to weaken. And then everything felt normal in a millisecond. Then the same dysfunctional pain. Then the surge. Then the heartbeat rising and suddenly stopping before beating rapidly and instantaneously energy surged out of me and everything wasn’t in the place it was before. The men were thrown into the air and landed flat on their backs. Every single part of their car was flying in the air and landed in scatters on the ground. I saw Mason slowly retreat backwards before stopping. The other cars had stopped and one rolled its window down. I looked at the mess that surrounded me. None of those men were breathing. I looked at Mason. His eyes twinkled with fear as he looked away.
Time felt slow. Time felt frozen. It’s like I was stuck in a time capsule between who I was and who I wanted to be. Time felt irrelevant to the amount of havoc I created in a second. Things around me had caught on fire and I was trying to see Mason through the smoke. I was trying to get to him through the chaos of my own causing. I was trying to get him to look at me, the monster I had become. How could he love what I had become? My hands were shaking and my legs felt really weak. I started to tear up and I had lost all the strength to even pretend I was okay with what I had become until it happened. It happened so fast and in a heartbeat, I felt like I lost all I ever had in the world.
Mason didn’t look at me but instead squinted towards the right, at the car with a rolled window. I looked in the same direction but everything was so hazy I couldn’t make out the figure in the car. I looked back at Mason who opened his eyes in realization and started to run towards me. I looked around confused before hearing a gunshot so loud that I felt my ears bleed, and when I looked at where the gunshot had been shot from and to, all I saw was a retreating gun and Mason clutching his stomach in pain before falling down.
When it comes to fighting, there’s usually no honor, no code. All that really matters is who’s going home victorious. Who’s going home with the crowds calling them a champion and everyone thinking of them as a winner. All that matters is that you come on top and everyone knows that. It doesn’t matter who you bring down, it doesn’t matter whose soul and spirit you crush and destroy as they tumble down to an abyss of defeat. All that matters is that you win. I thought I was winning. I thought I had won. But I was losing this battle and victory in the war wasn’t on my side either. My spirit fell when he did. My heartbeat rose and pounded against my chest as my lungs struggled to keep up with all its demands. I felt another surge rush out of me and in a second, all the cars, buildings and everything that stood was in little bits. But he remained right where he fell. Pieces of the cars hang on the trees nearby as organs of the people around me spilled and I was covered in blood. All the cars had caught on fire and there was no single part of the motel that stayed standing. I looked around the destruction but only one thing caught my attention. The boy I once called home.
I ran to his side, and held his head up and he coughed a little before falling to the opposite side. I held his wound which made him wince and my heartbeat hasten. I put my hand on his heartbeat while he placed his slowly on top of mine. He turned his head painfully to face me and I gazed into his eyes that were slowly drooping. Nothing around me stood, not the building, not my car or any other car. Not the people in the cars or the building. Nothing physical stood. Nothing emotionally stood. There were only two people alive but slowly dying. He was physically passing away with every second. And I was dying on the inside with every passing second. Maybe one thing stood: pain. The constant pain to love someone, and we both felt it at that moment.
I’ve come to learn that there are different kinds of pain in this world. I’ve experienced a lot of them. Some that leave you hopeless, some that leave you broken, some that render you powerless to everything around, but nothing like this pain. This pain was more than all of them. I felt it crush me, leave me broken in and out, leave me feeling like I had no strength but I somehow gathered enough to weep out loudly. The tears that left my eyes, ran away as if not wanting to bear another assault to my spirit. I let out a loud continuous cry as I watched the boy I loved take a breath shallower than the last. I cling to his blood covered body, and mourn on it. Mason lay there, pale and clammy skin, his face tainted with blood from his wound, and sweat from all the fires that surrounded us. I watched him struggle to keep his eyes open as I caressed his face slowly and my tears fell on him.
“I love you...I love you...” I chanted continuously into his t-shirt as I stopped in between sobs. I held him tighter as I sobbed some more into his blood.
“I told you to leave me... ” I cried, as I let out another cry of grief.
The waves were surges of pain and regret for not having the power to save him. I was lost in time and I tried to search for the light in his eyes but I was blinded by the tears in my eyes to the point I didn’t see the car pull up next to me until a woman walked out of it and ran to my side. Mum.
“He’s gone and it’s all my fault.” I whispered to my mum who hugged me as my dad walked out of the car to check his pulse.
“How did you know where to find me?” I asked in between sobs and as I pulled out from her comforting hug.
My mother looked at me pitifully and offered me a small smile before gesturing to Mason, which made me breakdown again into the arms of my mother. I killed the one person who always saved me.
“You speak to no one about what happened here, okay?” My dad said before carrying Mason’s lifeless body into the car. I nodded before following my mum into the car.
His eyes were closed. His body felt cold and frozen, death robbing him of his usual warmth. I was still silently sobbing as my dad drove away from what was my most recent disaster. I held his hand and whispered one more I love you and I felt nothing. I turned to look through the window just to find myself staring at him. I caught my breath and turned to face my mum who was already looking at me.
“We’re heading to the hospital, sweetie,” my mum reassured me with a light rub on my knee, which made me flinch. It never felt the same as when he did it. I quietly nodded and rested my back against the seat before glancing at him one more time. He just lay there, his eyes struggling to stay closed or open, whichever makes sense. Not much at this very moment made sense to me, why him? Why did my parents come to save me? Why did he drag them into my mess? Will they ever fix me? The only thing that made sense was Mason jumping in front of that gun for me, it shouldn’t but it did.
You don’t realize the power words hold until they are accompanied with actions. His words were filled with warmth coated in honey goodness. I’ve never experienced someone whose actions were aligned with their words. It’s a foreign feeling to me, but to me he was my home. He just always was.
CHAPTER NINE : NOT ENOUGH PILLOWS AND HEAVY NIGHTS.
“You dyed your hair, again?” Mason asked, as I walked into the cafeteria and sat next to him, and opposite Kay, Logan and Luke.
“I’m not about to answer a question to which the answer is obvious,” I said, opening my sandwich bag, and pulling out my lunch. He smiled pitifully at me, as I playfully rolled my eyes at him before returning my gaze back to my sandwich.
“So, when’s the wedding?” Luke taunted, causing Logan to smirk and Kay to look up from her phone and smile.
Mason blushed ear to ear and to cover up my smile I took a bite of my favorite sandwich.
“We’re just sophomores, dude,” Mason casually answered, but his face betrayed him.
“I mean, you definitely have thought about it though, you’ve been together for almost two years now, and I can’t see you loving anyone else.” Logan said to Mason, who was obviously enjoying this conversation.
“And your woman’s dad is loaded, so that’s going to be a lavish wedding.” Kay interjected with a smile. I just shook my head.
“I don’t even know if he would be willing to pay for my wedding, he doesn’t even say hi most mornings,” I argued, with a plastic laugh to cover the pain.
“That’s the same man that got you a freaking new Jeep for when you turn 16, he’ll pay; the question is when?” Luke asked before shifting his eyes between the two of us. I sent a small smile to them before looking down and taking a small breath.
“We have the rest of our lives to figure it out, if he doesn’t break up with me,” I laughed as the rest giggled and Mason offered me a small smile for my heartless joke before looking back down at his food.
Small talk filled the rest of our lunch break but Mason hardly said anything of much importance. Even in the moments where we were laughing, nothing came out of him that seemed normal and easy.
“Mason,” I called out, pulling him back to reality. He quickly looked at me with a questioning look.
“Do you wanna come and help me finish my class project, we have about 30 minutes to do it if you want,” I explained and he just got up and started packing up.
“Trouble in paradise?” Logan asked as Mason walked away to throw out his trash. I just shrugged and followed him out to an empty classroom.
“Do you want to talk to me about what is going on? What did I do?” I asked the minute I sat down and he shrugged and stared at me.
“Mason, what’s going on? It’s because of what I said, right? I was joking, you know that.” No response. Just a cold glare and a plain facial expression.
“So, you’re fine?” I asked and he nodded to my question before reaching out into my backpack and looking through my project.
He didn’t look at me once, didn’t even try to converse with me. I just watched him and he looked everywhere but me.
“Mason, you might as well just go if you’re not going to talk to me, what’s the use of us being here together?” I asked, with a sense of desperation in my voice but that didn’t shake him. I decided to walk out of the room to slow down my thoughts and think about why exactly he was mad. I started walking towards the door just for him to run and block the exit.
“This is exactly why I’m mad Isla, you project all your fears on me and I don’t know how much of that I can take. I told you that I would stay with you through everything and yet you’re the one thinking that I’ll leave when in reality, you’re the one who’s heading out the door.” Mason yelled. Well, he actually just slightly raised his voice but it felt like he was yelling.
I stared at his face for a while. In all fairy tales there’s a prince charming. A guy from the skies that comes to save the princess from her misery. That has always been the standard of any love story. A man made out of angel wings sent to spare a haven-bound girl from all her troubles.
“I know that Mason, that’s why I was joking about it because we both know that I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. I’m the one who doesn’t love you right,” I said, almost in a whisper.
“You love me, that’s all that matters,” he sort of whispered back, took a breath before continuing with a small smile.
“We have the rest of our lives to figure out how to love each other right.” He finished before walking back to do my project and I held back my tears. He slowly finished it and handed it to me.
“Here it is. It’s going to be okay, you’re gonna do great,” He whispered with a soft smile.
“But, you’re not,” I painfully said back.
“That’s okay. You’re okay, and that’s my happiness.” he said as he swiftly walked out of the room.
***
We arrived at the hospital and the saying “time never stops” felt like a myth. Time moves differently when your life is falling apart. I could hear the sirens in slow motion. The heartbeats, and my heart, break in a slower and more devastating motion. The doctors rushed to our car, pulled Mason’s lifeless body out and placed it on a stretcher bed before hastily wheeling him away. The hospital doors see everything. I saw a family walk out of the same hospital doors happy with an infant in hand. The man pecked his wife, then the baby, and the woman held back tears of joy as she glanced at both of them. They walked past our awfully packed car, and offered me bright smiles, which I didn’t even bother returning. When the ringing in my head quieted down, I took a deep breath and got out of the opened car door and headed towards the hospital. The same hospital doors that saw life, might be seeing death. And that one thought drove me so insane that I launched myself towards the glass door in rage. I emotionally braced myself for the crashed landing, but I never made it past a step.
I felt a pair of strong hands hold me and pull me back, before hissing a soothing sound and calmly patting my head. I couldn’t hold back tears, so I just let them out. Wrong, I wailed. The sound of a broken and dead heart could be heard in the noise I made. The sound of a hurting soul found in my wails. The sound of guilt found in my cries. The sound of regret found in the tears. The sound of “it should have been me” could be heard. And finally, the sound of blame was loudest. I blamed myself, that was no question. I always found it hard to answer test questions but his death was a no-brainer to me, I was the cause of it. I was his rose. But I offered him my thorns which he still held, but they dug too deep in his skin, bleeding him out, and now he was dead.
How does your heart break over and over? It goes like this; it comes in waves. The first wave of sadness hits your shore, then you get over it. Then the second wave of regret comes to meet your shore, you grow from it. But the puzzling concept of this? The waves get bigger and bigger. The noises from your broken heart, your hurting soul, your crying spirit meets your shore till you lose your shoreline, and suddenly all of the ocean, full of emotions is you and so is the shore, and now you don’t know where you start or where you end; and finally you realize: you’ve lost yourself.
I was still in the arms of a stranger. We were now seated on the curb, his arms around me, and my body resting on his elevated knees. I was shaking and trembling, and that terrified him. He would have left if he knew what was going on inside of me. I tried to wipe off my tears, snot and drool so I could get up but I couldn’t so I lay on him, until he picked me up and forced me to face him. He gently wiped off my face with a small smile on his face and kindness in his eyes. I let my eyes fall on his badge, “Gabriel” and when he was done he just bore his eyes into mine and tried to read my soul.
“Don’t do that yourself,” he said out of nowhere. He had a deep, but soothing voice.
“He’s dying and I think it’s my fault. I can’t find anyone to blame but me,” I whispered before another wave of sadness washed over me, leaving a fresh batch of tears. He smiled politely before wiping off my tears and resting his hand reassuringly on my shoulders.
“You can blame yourself, but at the end of the day we are responsible for our choices. I know this is going to sound awful, but his death was his choice,” he said. His voice was warm and friendly and his tone was soft, which helped with the delivery of his harsh truth.
“His only choice in every situation is me, though, doesn’t that make me the problem ?” I asked.
“Even that was his choice too. It’s always complicated when someone loves someone else more than they do themselves, it’s a burden for the both of you.” He reasoned, but it all translated in my brain as ‘I was a burden to him.’
He continued, still not breaking eye contact,
“In so many ways, I hope you know you saved him too.” Gabriel said.
Our silent moment was broken by the hospital doors opening and a nurse calling my name. I turned to look at her and she signaled me to come in, I gave her a quick nod and by the time I was turning around to thank Gabriel, he was nowhere to be found. I looked around with a tear-stained face and it was like he was never there.
I walked through the hospital doors and straight into my mother's arms.
"I'm losing it mum, I can’t lose him." I whispered before she kissed me on the forehead and shook her head sorrowfully.
"I can't be near anyone, especially him, I can't kill him again." I wept as she held my head and let my tears fall on her fingers.
"No one dies twice, honey and it wasn't your fault." she replied with a slight smile before embracing me.
"I think I'm going to die everyday from this pain." I whisper before trying to break free from her grasp, and all she did was pull me closer.
"You're not leaving me feeling like that," she said and motioned for me to sit down with her.
“I don’t remember the last time I felt okay,” I said to my mum as my eyes wandered around before I dropped my face in my hands.
“All this, all this, is what we wanted to shield you from,” she whispered as she rubbed my back slowly. I let my tears fall for the millionth time that time, how do I get used to the sound of my heart breaking?
“He’ll be fine, it wasn’t your fault. I just wish you hadn’t run away, we were worried,” My mum said as I desperately tried to wipe away my tears.
“We? You and the man who never talks to me?” I asked, before gesturing towards his direction as he stayed on his phone and never acknowledged my presence whatsoever.
My mum gave me a pitying look, and shook her head in quiet disagreement. After that, it was hours of continually pretending to be fine, then crying because the pain broke me all over again. Then the pain cycle again. Over and over again.
The doctor rushed in and called our surnames, and I bolted to my feet and to his side. However, he ignored me until my parents walked to stand by me.
“His condition hasn’t improved. It’s not really clear what's keeping him in the coma, the bullet is out, his vitals are fine, and he should be awake by now. Everything that’s happening now is out of our control, and we can’t explain it. Did he go through some traumatic experience during the shooting? or does he struggle with mental illness that could affect his ability to wake up? ” the doctor asked as my parents just nodded along. I know the message was distorted when it hit my brain, because nothing he said translated how he wanted.
“You can go in and see him.” The doctor said, and before I could make a step in his direction, my dad put his hand on my shoulder, and pulled me back. I turned to look at him before he signaled for my mum to go in, and he gently pulled me to go sit with him.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go see Mason,” he started.
“Many years with you and now I find out that you have an opinion on how I should do things, wow.” I sarcastically answered back, before rolling my eyes. He signaled for me to sit next to him.
“If this isn’t clear enough in your head, he’s probably going to stay in this state of mind because his brain is too traumatized. You heard the doctor, didn’t you? He’s not in this state because of the gunshot.” He strictly said, and I turned my head the other way.
“I asked him to go, to leave me alone.” I quietly whispered, as I tried to hide the tears that were again streaming down my face.
“He would never leave you, you know that. He’s not the one on the wrong though. He didn’t kill all those other people and bring down a whole building.” he said, in a quiet voice, as if he was trying to reason with me.
“You don’t need to remind me that I’m now a murderer,” before choking up on my own nightmares.
“I just need you to be someplace safe, and for everything to be normal again.” he sighed before picking up his phone.
“It never was, dad. We were just good at pretending.” I uttered, before he looked at me and searched my eyes for anything. And for the first time, in a hospital room ,with my half-dead boyfriend, murders on my name, an abnormal life, a dead birth mom, and an overprotective mum, I saw my dad for who he was; my father. But that didn’t last long because he looked away.
“I think I know people who can take out that stuff and you can just be normal again.” He said, and I opened my eyes wide at the mention of those words, and I turned to look at him with a puzzling look.
“It’s in London, though,” he said. My mind ran a thousand scenarios of how it being in London was a problem and couldn’t come up with any. I have a passport.
“We’ve been to London numerous times, and you never thought of maybe stopping by that place to get me fixed?” I exclaimed loud enough to get heads turning, and quickly became aware of all the attention I got.
“I couldn’t get myself to do it. Isla, it’s what makes you, you.” He whispered before my father turned to look at me. My dad.
“But we probably should before you take out more buildings, so I guess you’re going to London. I’ll get a plane prepped.” He said before getting up and walking a few steps and stopping to face me.
“You should probably go see Mason, before you leave, in case he doesn’t…” he continued before stopping his sentence halfway and walking away. I curled up on my chair, and took in deep breaths before walking into the room that held my Mason.
CHAPTER TEN : THERE’S LAUGHTER IN THE GRAVEYARD, THEY ARE LAUGHING AT ME.
My mum took my cue of walking into the room as her cue to leave. She wasn’t wrong, I was going to chase her out. She offered me a small smile before closing the door behind her. I kept my distance from his bed before falling back on the door and weeping in his room. He had 15,000 tubes going in and out of him. His heartbeat monitor recorded 23 heartbeats every minute. He had a ventilator attached to his lungs to help him breathe. The most natural thing in the world. I held his cold hand and let it go. It just never felt the same. It was never going to feel the same. I quickly picked his hand again, then slowly let it go.
There’s something that happens to you when you lose someone you love. There’s the normal reaction of being extremely sad about a dear life being taken away, but then there was me, who had no idea who she was without him, so literally I was losing a part of me, and I knew it, I could feel it.
You know when you have the dream where you keep falling and falling and you never reach the bottom? That’s my life, I just keep falling, and there’s nothing to hold on to now, and what’s worse is that I just keep falling. I’m robbed of the idea that things could get better, because for me to say that I have to hit rock bottom, but I never do, because there’s no end to my misery. There's no end to the misery I put everyone around me through. For me to hit rock bottom, there’s got to be a way to end all of this. I don’t have a way yet, or I will never have a way to reach there. Unless I’m dead. Unless I’m the one who actually got shot at.
“Talking to him, I think that would help instead of silently crying and kind of creepingly looking at him.” A nurse said from the end of the bed, startling me. I didn’t hear her come in. I turned away from her and wiped my tears quickly and shortly glanced at Mason then at the nurse who slowly felt for his pulse, and checked his vitals.
“You know, he wasn’t badly shot, so he should be awake anytime soon…” The nurse continued and I stopped her.
“If he’s in shock, what are the chances he’ll wake up?” I asked silently, not taking my eyes off him.
“I’m not sure because we’ve never had someone stay in a coma because of shock, usually it’s because…”
“Cause they can’t actually wake up. I got it thanks.” I interjected, finishing her statement.
“I was going to say it’s because his body is healing. That’s what I think it is. He just needs to heal, and you probably know the things he loves, so do those things.” She said, in a sweet smile before leaving the room.
“Mason…I,” I started before letting tears run down my face and breaking down on the side of his bed. I started to wail and scream and cuss at the sky. I know I said a lot of words but they were hidden in my loud mumbles and cries. But then he flinched his leg so lightly that if I wasn’t laying on him, I wouldn’t have caught it. His fingers wiggled and then clenched. I rose up and wiped my tears and went to feel his head, his fever was going down. I didn’t understand the heart monitor but there were more spikes, and I swear I saw him smile. His thin soft lips slightly spread across his beautiful warm face and his cheek seemed to look warmer. His eyes seemed to gain color every second and he didn’t seem so blue anymore. I looked up and the heart monitor and noticed the line had more mountains and valleys. I would have known they were called spikes if he was awake to help me, but all I knew was that he was fighting and he was going to be awake in a few minutes. I felt it. I moved my hands to hold his hands and I whispered a prayer to God, to the sky, to someone. Then he had another rapid leg movement, and another flinch that I couldn’t miss and I looked at his face and suddenly everything was blue and then red, and then it was loud, and the line was flat, and the room got full, and I was shoved in a corner with 3000 nurses and doctors all screaming gibberish things.
“Get the thermostat,”
“I think he needs a heated blanket,”
“No, we need the fever to go down, first.”
“Should we shock him?”
It was all words spinning around my head, and then I felt arms. Mum. And then I felt more arms and words and I was losing breath and sight and my life. It was all fading out of me, it was all slipping from me. I was losing it all. Again. Did I ever have it? I don’t know but I had him.
“He’s fine, but a nurse should be in here at all times. We almost lost the boy.” A doctor called out before throwing out his gloves and walking away.
“Why didn’t you call us when he started to get worse?” A nurse asked me.
“Yeah, why didn’t you?” my mum added from beside me.
“Because… because he was getting better,” I managed to say, and was met by confused faces.
“He was, he even almost smiled, and the line on that thingy wasn’t flat, it was moving up and down.” I continued, defending my answer to no one.
“He moved, he moved, I promise he moved, we even held hands and I felt his fingers wiggle. I promise! He was getting better. He wasn’t blue. I saw it with my own two eyes.” I started to yell halfway between my frantic argument to get people to believe me.
“He was moving. He almost woke up. I know he almost woke up.”I finished, and looked around and everyone looked right back at me. I knew what they all thought. I looked at Mason, and I saw his beautiful blue eyes open, and then I gasped. I looked at everyone, then touched my mum, but I never took my eyes off of his.
“You’re not crazy, Isla. I’m getting better, just be here with me.” I heard him say and then his eyes closed, and everyone stared at me.
“What is it honey?” my mother asked in a worried tone, with her eyes shifting between Mason and me.
“I … I …I think I need to stay here.” I whispered before turning to look at Mason. His eyes were open now and he was seated up, shooting me his usual cheeky smile and light warming his face.
“We can have a doctor check her out. She’s probably traumatized.” A nurse told my dad, who was now staring peculiarly at me. The nurse started to walk over to me and I took a step back.
“I do not want to go anywhere. I want to stay. I wanna stay!” I started to scream, and tried to break free of my mother’s grasp.
“Honey, it’s a check-up, the doctor wants to make sure you are fine, that’s it, you’ll be back here as soon as you’re fine.” My mother begged me as she tried to keep me in her arms, and struggled to keep me in one place.
“I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy. He was getting better! He was able to move and his heart was beating again!” I continued to scream in her face and continued to wrestle with her and my dad now who held both of my hands.
“You’re lying to yourself, Isla, and the sooner you see it, the better. You need help.” He whispered, and I frantically looked around.
“You wanna take me to jail? You cannot do that? I didn’t…” I started to yell before my dad covered my mouth and looked at the nurses who shot us confused looks. With one swift movement, he had me in his arms, and I was unable to even wiggle for extra room. He had one arm around my mouth, and the other around my arms. He turned so we were both facing the puzzled nurses.
“We never asked, how did he end up in a coma?” One bold, and intensely curious nurse asked.
“You asked and the answer is the same, a building collapsed on them after they got shot at.” My father answered, in a matter-of-fact voice.
“But she escaped unharmed, and she’s worried that she’ll go to jail, why?” She asked a follow up question, completely ignoring my dad’s tone.
“You think she’s fine?” My dad raised his voice so fast, before quickly going quiet.
He looked around and one nurse moved her hand and placed it in her pocket before taking out a phone. Her eyes were wide-gazed and she was breathing deeper. My dad had forgotten that he was keeping me stable because his hand fell off my mouth and he looked at my mum.
“She’s worried because she was the only other person there with him. The shooter got away, and so she thinks it’s easier for her to be framed.” He frantically answered. I could hear his heart beat race, and he struggled to breathe. I looked at my mum and the nurses confused, what was happening, and then it hit me.
“Wait, you think I killed him?” I asked the nurses, and the one on her phone started to type, and the rest of the nurses seemed scared, confused and afraid. I was afraid. I was terrified. And then the world stopped when I saw Mason get off his bed.
“You know I didn’t kill you,” I said, meeting him halfway.
“I know. I got myself killed.” He answers and I try to reach out to him, but grasp at air.
“We both know you’re better off without me.” I cry.
“You are here now, that’s all that matters.” He says.
“I think I’m gonna turn myself in to the cops. If I do, it will be just me who dies. If I don’t, I think everyone dies.”
“Stay with me, please,” He begs.
“You’re not safe with me Mason, no one is,” I cry.
“I’m dying, Isla. Stay here.” He says and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I shake my head.
“I know it’s my love for you that got me killed, but I think it's your love that will keep me alive. Please.” He says and he manages to touch my hand before he disappears and I’m back to the girl that was screaming at nurses.
“I didn’t kill you,” I whispered hopelessly, that I doubt that anyone even heard me. And for the very first time, my dad bent down, kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear,
“You’ll be okay, darling. You’ll be safe.” He said, before I felt a stinging pain in the side of my body, next to my stomach and everything in the room spun, and faded to black. It was darkness.
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