CHAPTER FIFTEEN : CHRISTMAS IN CALIFORNIA .
Every single day we did just about the same things. We rode the ferris wheel at Santa Monica beach together. I sat opposite Isla and she stared at the sky and pointed at everything she found wonderful in her eyes and I stared at her. We would get full on sugary foods, and ice cream, and play a billion arcade games. We would swim in the pool at the rented condo, and swim at the beach. I attempted to surf but wasn’t close to even standing on the board so we ended up laying on them and looking at the sky. I would randomly talk about my mum, and she would listen. She would ask questions, and I felt happy to share.
The feeling I got when we were on the ferris wheel with our feet off the ground, at the highest point, was indescribable. I have had a fear of heights, but I loved the feeling of flying. She led me down the boardwalk and made me try a billion tacos. We ate the same In n Out burgers everyday but it never got old. Before we slept, I would hear her call Logan from her room and she would tell him about her day and he would complain about his very ordinary Christmas. The boys and I played online games every single night, and I occasionally texted Bella, but every second I had free I occupied it with Isla and she always had something for us to do.
It was Christmas eve, and we were having a movie marathon with all kinds of sodas, candy and a tally board of who burped the most. We were in the middle of a movie when the doorbell rang, and she got up fast to answer it, and left me in the basement, hoping that no one new was joining our perfect bubble.
“Mason, come here and check this out!” She yelled from the main floor and I ran to her. There was a christmas tree, and she stood perfectly and proudly in front of it.
“Ta-da!” She screams excitedly and jumps up and down trying to show me different decorations that she had her mum ordered.
“Thought I’d bring a piece of your mum here. Hope you’re okay with it. I’m kind of excited about it because I’ve never had a Christmas tree.” She nervously said, and this time I hugged her before nodding yes and we got to setting up the tree. Her mum would pop in and out to help but she was on full vacation mode, and would stay outside, tanning and sun-bathing.
“Hey mum, can we bake cookies?” Isla asks, rather screams at her mum and she walks in to talk to Isla.
“Isla, you hate being in the kitchen.” She reasons, and Isla moves to the other side of the tree to hang an ornament.
“I know, but Mason loves it, and he usually does it for Christmas.” She answers.
“Of course, you can! I’ll happily supervise that. I’ll come and we can start in 20 minutes.” She yells back, and Isla gushes at me.
As we prepare to bake the cookies, the mum walks over to me and smiles.
“Mason, you can stick around for as long as you want. You have my little girl acting like a normal child, and I appreciate that.” She says as she passes me by and Isla narrows her eyes at her.
The baking is chaotic. It’s not how I remembered it with my mum, but it is beautiful and we are all happy. We had to re-do the first batch because Isla put more baking soda than flour in the dough, but the second one turned out perfectly, and we know we loved them cause we ate them until we couldn’t eat them anymore.
“I gotta say, I like how you spend your Christmas.” Isla admits, rubbing her tummy, and smiling softly at me.
“It’s all my mum. This was her favorite holiday.” I responded.
“I can see why now.” Isla says, and I rub my tummy mocking her and we both laugh before she checks her phone and sits upright quickly before gasping. I try to glance at her phone and she hastily gets on her feet.
“I was so focused on baking cookies with you I forgot I was supposed to call Logan and his family today. I have like 20 missed calls and messages from him.”She panics, and I get up too.
“I’ll explain what happened. He’s my boy, he’ll understand.” I assure her, and she widens her eyes, and then shakes her head rapidly.
“He doesn’t know you are here. I tried to bring up the idea and he thought it was weird, so I just lied that you decided not to come with us.” She confessed and I gazed at her with wide eyes.
“That’s why he keeps telling me to say hi to you if I see you around. I had told him I was here.” I say, finally connecting some of our conversations
“You told him you were here? With me?” She asks, panicking.
“No, I just told him I was in California for Christmas because I assumed you told him.” I answered, and she remained silent for a little while.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell him.” She finally says, with a heavy sigh, and I am filled with empathy for her.
“I’ll talk to him. He’s my boy. Just give me your phone.” I tell her and she reluctantly stretches out her hand to give it to me.
I facetime Logan with both my phone and hers, and he answers mine first. Strange.
“Logan, Logan! My man! You were right. Guess who I ran into today in the morning?” I ask with overexaggerated enthusiasm.
“No! No way! Isla, you saw her?” He answers, matching my energy.
“I’m with her actually. She had a few things she had to do for her parents so I just joined her since I’m here with my aunt and uncle and they want to sunbathe,” I say with a disgusted face, which Logan happily reflects and laughs at.
“If it’s your Aunt Joni, maybe you can watch her, but Betty, just no,” He says laughing and I nod as he says Betty.
“It was Betty! Also, Isla is freaking out about all the missed calls. Dude, I am sorry I kept her for so long, I also had to buy gifts so she joined me since I needed her opinion.” I finally say.
“It’s okay, for you anything. Hopefully you both got me a gift. Take care of her. Make sure those Cali boys stay far away.” He eventually says, and Isla gives a sigh of relief before inching closer to the screen and waving at Logan.
“Hi babe, not gonna lie I was initially annoyed, but I guess you’ll have to meet my parents in person when you get back.” he says, and Isla nods yes.
“Also, you will love our gift for you.” She says smiling.
“By gift, I hope you mean gifts, cause you are two people and not a couple that can get away with giving people one gift. Very cheap money-saving tactics. ” He says, the last part is especially loud and we put two and two together and figure out it is about his parents.
“We got you a ton of gifts. Santa was generous this year.” She says beaming.
“Santa has a fat paycheck, and a mansion.” He says, laughing back and I walk away letting them talk by themselves using my phone.
I can be honest to myself in this moment as I stare out to the ocean. Nothing about leaving here in two days excites me. Nothing about being at home makes me want to go home. I love my best friends and everything outside of my house, but it was great to stay elsewhere. I hate to be honest with myself because I am realizing that Bella isn’t the person I want to be with. I don’t want to be honest about why that is true. I am too scared of that truth. And even though I do not know why, my heart beats faster when I try to figure it out.
“Mason, I’m glad you came with us.” Isla’s mother utters from behind me and I offer a kind smile.
“Thank you for having me. Isla’s dad says this is a sacred tradition that Isla doesn’t let anyone in on.” I joke back, and she laughs.
“Yes, one time she uninvited her dad when he brought her a burger from McDonalds.” She answered.
“But those are good.” I jokingly argue.
“Not in California. Not for Isla.” She answers, and we both smile and she lays on a sun lounger and I turn back and look at the sky.
Some hours in California are slow, but they are soft like a feather descending gingerly on the sand. Her mum lays on the lounge with her eyes closed and I lay next to her playing video games on my game console, and I could hear Isla’s laugh from inside. I paused to catch the sunset like I had done the past few days, and it was magnificent. This one was different. The clouds were light and one particular one was shaped like a horn rising from the ground to the sky, with the rest floating around dawning the world in glory. At that moment I had courage to be alone and I left a note on the counter and ran to the ferris wheel. Just like clockwork, I made a line and bought a ticket for the ride. I talked to a couple of older strangers in line, but I let myself feel, and dream and sit in the silence. I allowed myself to think of mum, and all the things she would say if she was here. I let the memories almost bring me to tears, and smiled at the fact that I had someone I loved so much that I wasn’t able to even love them enough when they were here. That is what grief really is. And so, I let myself love her until I was at the top of the ferris wheel and they stopped it for me to take it all in. I was in the car by myself so I stood up and looked around. Everyone seemed so little from up here. Every problem seemed to shrink when I was so close to the sky. There’s things that death and grief do to you. There’s things an absent father who is alive does to you. There’s things everything does to you. And you are better or worse off for it.
The last two days flew right by like time was waiting to leave us. I met her cousins and family over and over again. People trickled in and out of the house continually, but we had fun moments just the three of us. We ate, baked again, laughed and even sang songs. There was a glow on her face, and I am pretty sure I felt myself glow. We rode the ferris wheel an overwhelming number of times, and we ate all the burgers and tacos that we could and we just stayed kids. Annoying her mother, making fun of each other, and overdosing on candy and sweet goods.
We watched every single sunset, and we swam on the beach, we chased each other, and there was a moment when I caught her and held Isla in my arms and we both laughed until we dropped on the floor, and nothing in the world has ever made me feel like a moment is never long enough until that moment. There was a part of me that felt really good that it was just the two of us, and then there was a part of me that couldn’t understand why every sweet moment was followed by a small pain. I never came to understand why in those very moments, until it was too late. Our flight back was sad. We both couldn’t hide it. My drive back to my house was sadder. Everything I ran away from, I was going back to. And there’s no sadder story than that.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN : WHY CAN’T WE BOTH FALL IN LOVE AT THE SAME TIME .
I called Isla every single day. We had a separate relationship outside our friend group that hung out almost every single day until school started again. No one knew of our secret calls, our hidden jokes, and private rendezvous. It wasn’t two lovers' escapades, it was just two friends, I convinced myself. We had stolen glances when we sat at the table with our friends at school. She would look up at me every so often after looking at Logan and offer me a small smile, and I’d wait until she does it next. No one noticed, and I liked it that way.
“We have spring break coming soon, people. What should we do?” Kay asks as soon as we all sat down on our table. She was leaning on Luke, Bella cozied herself up to me, and Logan and Isla sat right next to each other. Jack and Ryan sat next to each other.
“One, it’s January, so maybe take a chill pill, Kay,” Ryan grunts before taking a bite of his food.
“I know, and we always spend our breaks with families, but this is our last one before high school so we should do something together. Even for a day.” She insists, and begs and that is a cue for the usual back and forth fights between Kay and Ryan, the two most stubborn people in the universe.
“Ryan, spare a day to hang out with us, and end this war,” Luke finally chimes in and Ryan sighs.
“I cannot believe you took her side, thought it was bros before …” He starts and Kay cuts him off.
“Don’t finish that statement if you want to live.” She firmly states, and Ryan offers a cheeky smile back before nodding in agreement.
“Isla, what do you usually do for spring break?” I find myself wondering out loud, as I turn to face her.
“Nothing much. I just hang out at home, and my mum will try to find cool towns near us that we can drive to and explore for a day.” She answers, and Kay claps.
“That’s brilliant, That’s what we are doing. Can we join?” Kay asks, and Ryan looks like he is about to object, and Jack puts his hand over his mouth, and we all look at Isla who shrugs yes, and there’s an uproar of cheers between us.
We walk to class together, and there’s always a moment where I want to grab a seat next to Isla but Logan takes it. A few times, I’ve pulled the seat back ready to sit, then Logan thinks it’s my way of practicing to be chivalrous, so then I have to do it to Bella too so it isn’t obvious. My mind tends to wonder if Isla thinks about me as much as I do. I’ve gained a new obsession with the girl, and I am glad she lets me. I think about other painful things less. Every time I want to randomly stop by, she’s let me, even when it isn't necessary, and usually it isn’t.
“Hey, are Isla and Logan okay?” Bella whispers from beside me, and I turn to look at her with a questioning look.
“Why do you say that?” I ask her, and she shrugs.
“I don’t know, they seem kind of off, and you keep staring at her like there’s something.” She answers delicately.
“What do you mean I stare at her like there’s something. I’m not staring at her.” I say defensively, and she leans back slightly.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that maybe you know something about them from Logan, cause she won’t talk.” She says, and now I keep staring at her and she shakes her head.
“They just don’t seem as solid as they used to be, and I am assuming you’re worried for them, her, that’s why you keep looking at her.” She continues and I sigh.
“You’ve noticed?” I ask, before glancing over at them quickly.
“Yeah. I’ve also noticed you’ve been happier, so I’m glad.” She says, smiling softly, and I smile back at her before lightly touching her and looking forward.
I have been happier. I think to myself and I find myself smiling at the thought.
After classes, I get ready to head home, when Isla runs up to me.
“Hey, do you have plans tonight?” She asks the minute she gets to me and I shake my head.
“Well, do you want to come hang out with me? My dad is installing a new TV that has 4d, and apparently it’s going to be awesome.” She continues, and I look at her.
“Are you and Logan okay? Is everything fine with you two?” I find myself asking, and she seems shocked with my small outburst.
“Yeah, we are. Did he say something?” She asks back, and I have no answer.
“Yeah, I can swing by your house in an hour. I just have to go home and do something.” I hastily responded.
“Oh, I can come with you. We’ve never actually been to your house. I'd like to see it.”
“It’s not really a tourist attraction. Nothing crazy to see.” I tell her, and she rolls her eyes.
“I’m coming with you.” She firmly says, and I give up on fighting it.
There’s a sadness in our house and I wonder if she notices it. Her house was covered in light and life, and there was a groggy atmosphere in our house. But she was kind, and she smiled through it.
“I like your house. We should hang out here more.” She states and I turn to look at her as we wander into our living room.
“There’s nothing I’d like less than that.” I respond as I look around.
“Even with your friends? You never hang out here? With Bella?” She asks, and I sigh.
“We used to. Things are just different now.” I answer, and she knows what I mean so she doesn’t ask any more questions.
I let her eyes wander around the room before unwillingly giving her a tour of the rest of the house. I don’t think she knows this, but there’s a lot of space between what I am saying and what I am thinking about at that moment. I fill my memories with football and friends so I don’t have to think about everything we did with my mum in every room, or traces of her left on every wall. We get to my room and for some reason that is the easiest place to let her into.
“This is where Mason charms the ladies, huh?” She jokes and makes me laugh.
“I’m more of a one lady at a time kind of guy.” I respond with a smile and she smiles back.
“Charming.” She responds and drops herself on my bed, not prepared for how bouncy it is, so she laughs when she lands back down on it after being forced in the air.
“It’s more fun this way,” I tell her and she gets up, and starts to jump on my bed, and with everything in me, I join her and we jump on the bed together. The air is colored with our giggles and laughs, and we pretend to push each other off, but we also hold each other really tight, and lock eyes more than a dozen times. I don’t really know what is happening here, but I know that I do not want it to end, but it always does. It always does.
There’s a moment when she is about to leave, that I want to ask her to stay. She looks back and waves as she walks towards her car, and I want to stop her. So I just follow her and she stops to let me catch up.
“I had the best time today,” I shyly admit and she smiles.
“And you didn’t want to hang out with me,” She mocks, and as usual, I find myself smiling.
“I did want to hang out with you, just not here.”
“It wasn’t too weird was it? I had a really great time.” She confesses.
“I already told you how I felt about it.”
“Just wanted to confirm before I go home,” She jokes, and for the first time she hugs me without a sad reason like on the beach in California. It took me a couple of seconds to process that she had her arms wrapped around my neck, and even more seconds for me to raise my arms and place them delicately around her waist before tightening my grip and letting her head rest on my shoulder. I let my arms circle around her waist, and I inhale the scent of her. I don’t want to let her go, and for the first time I know why. But I let her go, and I also know why.
I was raised religious. The best term for it, was a believer. When my mum passed away she was certain she’ll be with her maker, and so am I. She taught me about everything God-related. My dad has the belief, but he believes it after science proves it. You can tell by the amount of time he spends in his books, and doing research and his job. The more I grow up, the more I question my mum’s taste in men, but again, I am his son, so I can’t hate him too much. I think of my mum’s soul as an angel in heaven. She’s the most beautiful angel they’ll ever have in heaven and I get myself to believe that Jesus needed some good people to help. I knew she was in heaven working, but I never knew she would be advocating for me up there, at least that’s what it feels like. I don’t want to be honest about how dark my thoughts got, but I needed someone new, someone different to pull me out, and there she was. There Isla was. I’m too scared to admit this but she’s been my angel and for the first time in a couple of years, I can actually breathe.
I watch the tracks of the car she got in as she leaves and I allow myself to wonder what it would be like to go home and find her, or to wait for her to come home. I walk back to my house, and I fill my nights with video games with the boys and texting Isla and Bella. There’s a smile when I respond to Isla, and there’s a duty to respond to Bella, and I feel horrible about myself, and even more horrible about the fact that I want her to be mine, and even worse that I spend my time obsessively wondering if she feels the same way.
We all decided to go to the field and play ball, and the girls would watch and cheer and talk as they sat on the edge of the field. Anyone can see why I’m dating Bella: She has a soft look on her, she’s easy going, she’s kind and very pretty. She cares, and she pays attention, more than she should. She likes to do everything she can for me. I get distracted as we play cause I keep glancing over at the girls, and my eyes find it easy to rest on Isla. She looks like sunshine, and has a warmth towards her. She seems airy, like a breath of fresh air. Her smile is easy to memorize and her eyes shine perfectly when she’s radiant. Isla has a soft touch, and when she hugs me, I feel like I am floating and for all the reasons in the world I could name, I realize I am in love for the first time.
After a billion missed touches, and a thousand laughs and slaps later, the girls come down to the field. Isla comes and talks to me for a few brief seconds and I feel elated before Logan hugs her from behind and kisses her cheek, and I back away as she screams in joy, responding to him. Bella hugs me, and I start to turn in Bella’s direction before I hear Isla scream and watch Logan get on his knees and unveil a poster from his back pocket.
“Happy 3 months, babe.” He says and she jumps up and down as she admires the poster with their faces, and photos, and a small signature at the bottom from Logan. They kiss and I feel sick to my stomach. I am happy because she is happy, but I want to be the person that makes her smile. I’m happy they are celebrating three months together, but it is just another reminder that I have spent three months without her. We all gather around to hug and I pat Logan on the back. He does the same happily. It feels like a pity pat, and I hesitate to walk over to Isla to congratulate her, because what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t? I offer a small smile in her direction and she sends me a full smile, and I find myself hating that she’s happy.
There’s a 1000 conversations happening around me; Bella is talking, laughing with me, and I react to the conversation but I listen to Logan and Isla.
“We should do something tonight, to celebrate. Maybe dinner? Movie? And a nice walk?” He suggests.
“I told you I can’t tonight, but we can do all that tomorrow, plus we can have dinner with my family the following night after hanging out all day. It will be a fun weekend.” She promises, and I feel a lump on my throat. We slowly disperse as our parents show up to pick us up, and I hang behind as I watch the rest leave, Isla and Logan hand in hand.
Recently, I’ve found two places that offer me peace ; the field and anywhere with Isla. I hate that that is the truth, but my mind is quieter when she is around. And I am reminded of that when I see her walk back to the field.
“Hey, wanna hang out tonight? My mum is making her famous quesadillas and you have to try them.” She says as she walks up to me, and I look at her confused.
“I thought you had already gone home. Logan wasn’t walking you to your car?” I ask and she shakes her head.
“I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone, before coming back to talk to you.” She answers, and my mind struggles to connect the puzzle in front of me.
“I actually can’t tonight. My dad is coming to pick me up cause we have dinner with my aunts, his sisters. They are in town.” I respond and I watch her face fall.
“Oh okay, I get it. I’ll go home then.” She answers and starts to back away.
“But,” I start and she stops, before I continue,
“He doesn’t get here for like another hour, so if you want we can hang back here,” I suggest and she nods happily, and she runs off to tell her driver to come back and get her in an hour. And suddenly I am in my two happy places at once. I held her hand for the very first time. It wasn’t romantic or planned. We were running around in school, chasing each other and then we ended up in a classroom, but before we could go in, she fell down, but we were laughing. So, I laughed at her and with her, before offering her both my hands to get up and she took them, and then I let myself hold them longer than I had to, and I held her gaze too, before we both politely smiled and entered our destination. I sat down on the front desk and she sat down on the teacher’s table.
This wasn’t out of the ordinary for students to stay in school longer, because of the number of security guards and absent rich parents who left their kids in their school but nothing about being with her felt ordinary. We would laugh, but nothing about that felt like just a laugh, I felt my whole heart fill with joy. I told her funny stories about our friends, and she told stupid stories about her childhood.
“You guys move a lot? No one in this town ever leaves, I don’t think I am ever going to know anything other than these streets.” I say after we get done laughing.
“I am kind of jealous of that. I wish I had that stability. We are always moving because of my dad’s job.” She answers, before she lays down and faces the ceiling and I feel some kind of relief as I feel at ease just staring at her.
“You don’t think getting stuck with the same people wouldn’t get boring?” I ask, and I watch her shake her head.
“It depends on the people you are stuck with. Someone like you, I wouldn’t mind, at all.” She says, and I embarrassingly try to hide the fact that I am blushing and she continues,
“I’ve never felt this safe before. With people, a person, friends, and school. I hope I can stay.” She finishes, and sits back up, just in time for me to get it together.
“Yeah, I get it, I could be stuck with worse people.” I confess, and I keep myself from thinking of my house and the strangers in it.
There are a couple of concepts in life that are taught to you. You cannot escape life, and life just happens to you. But I am starting to realize that you also happen to life, and both can co-exist in your life. I had no choice when my mother died, but I had a choice in how I could grieve. I had no choice in who my dad got to be, but I could choose who to look up to. You can’t choose who you love, you just love someone. Your heart finds someone and you just start to fall for them. I didn’t have a choice in who it was, the timing, and how it got to play out in the years that followed, but now more than ever I know, I never had to choose who to love, I just did. I never chose whether I had to grow without my mum, but I chose to let my life be written out by her, in heaven, and a little bit of me.
I think my thoughts are deeper than the average eighth grader, but my emotions have had to go deeper than the average boy as well. I look at Luke and his life is perfect in every way. He got the right girl, when he wanted, and he got the perfect position on our team, and he is the unannounced leader of our group. I’ve never wished to be Luke, but it must be easy to be him. He finds it easy to be himself, and in some weird way, I do too.
We met in first grade. It was simple, but the friendship has lasted forever. He sat next to me on the first day of school. I shared my lunch with him, he shared his with me, and we decided to be friends. Just two kids then, and still two kids now. He can tell I am different since my mum died, but no one knows what to do with that. I still act the same, and I think they are all glad. I still have him and the boys, so we are grateful. Jack and Ryan we met the first week as well, on the playground. We chased each other with sticks, stones and toys and we became brothers. Logan was the last to join the friend group, which would explain the disconnect with him but he invited the entire first grade to his party, and somewhere in the middle of cakes and candles, he became one of us.
It only took minutes to become friends; a couple of phrases to form our brotherhood. What can I say? My boys are magic. Epic sleepovers, crazy game battles, the greatest football battles, and the secret oath that was never spoken - do everything together.
Our parents loved us, and each other. It was easy to leave my house and sleep at Luke’s, and he found it even easier to go to my house and spend the entire week. Our mothers were everyone’s mothers, and we made a cool community. I broke my arm in school, and my parents were out of town. Ryan's mother took me to the hospital and helped nurse me back to health. Luke got the worst flu, and my mum was there for him the entire time. We were never alone. It was never just us. It will never just be me, I know that.
When my mum passed away; it wasn’t any different with us. I was never alone. Ryan’s mother was always making cookies, Luke’s mother always had me over, Jack’s mother always made sure my homework was done. It will always be like that, and it has helped, but in some way it has made it worse, so they understand the space I have taken away from them, but there’s always room for me in their houses, and I am glad cause after I spent a terrible amount of time with my family that evening, I was dropped off at Luke’s for the weekend, and with open arms, and an extra bed, the mum let me spend the weekend after a billion questions about my well being. I was happy to be over after a couple of weeks being away and spending every extra second away from the group with Isla.
I could be just a boy this weekend with Luke, and I planned on being that.
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